Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Wal-Mart : Always Low Prices, Often High Entertainment

Ok didn't I JUST buy a new camera to carry with me ALWAYS so I'd be able to put up photos of the bizarre and amusing things I spot here in Florida ?

Well I did.  But I'm not quite up to speed with remembering the bit about carrying it with me always.  That's probably why I'm here in a retirement park in the first place.  I'm old.  I forget things.

Now where was I going with this ?  Oh yes, the camera.

Man did I miss it yesterday.  We went to Wal-Mart, a people watchers paradise if ever there was one, and as usual my eyes got more exercise than on my last visit to an Ann Summers store. 

I witnessed the usual assortment of invalid/morbidly obese people carriers that you have to watch out for as they can go at a fast lick.  I think it's a morbidly obese persons only opportunity to move faster than .5 mph other than when they accidently open their truck door on a hill.  One guy yesterday was on the Humvee of such vehicles as it was basically a motorised la-z-boy armchair with a reinforced wire shopping basket on the front. It even had a cup holder for goodness sake and he was able to ride on the back of it !!  

Then there was the short guy peering at the selection of rotisserie chickens on display. He was wearing a heavy leather Harley Davidson jacket but I got a glimpse of bright orange below this so I just had to move around the display for a better look.  He was wearing orange flappy pj bottoms (I think) with 'Department Of Corrections' written all over them at various angles.  I'm not sure if he had dressed himself or if the day care staff at his home were evil minded beggars, but I was pretty sure there wasn't a Harley outside in the parking lot with his name on it.  His green crocs sealed the deal but did little to heighten his sartorial elegance.

Walking down the main aisle that separates the food section from the non food section, I heard raised voices behind me.  Well one raised voice to be honest.  The aisle was very wide (or a DOA - Double Obesity Aisle as it's known in supermarket parlance) and I was able to stand to one side to let an old couple pass me by with the man, who was doing all the talking but none of the cart pushing, having a pop at his wife. His long suffering wife I'd have to think.  Anyway he was berating her for pushing the cart down the middle of this very wide aisle when clearly she should have been following the laws of the road by keeping to the right.  How stupid of her. He was going on and on at her and I almost felt obliged to step in and say something.

Several things stopped me.  It was none of my business was top of the list, closely followed by natural British reserve. Then again the man, despite having more creases than the solitary dollar note in my back pocket, may have been 'packing', as they say in all the best cop dramas.  You really don't want to be smacked with a cunningly concealed oxygen tank and some of these oldies can be surprisingly adept at swinging one.

I left them, or mainly him, to it.  For all I know, that lopsided grin on her face wasn't the result of a stoke at all but was down to the knowledge that she'd be adding a few more glass shards to his meat loaf that evening.  You go girl.

All this had come after entering the store and being accosted, for want of a better word, by the infamous Wal-Mart greeter.  These 'care in the community' escapees rush up to innocent shoppers as they pass through the doors and shout "Welcome To Wal-Mart" in such a way that people have been known to remove their hearing aids to spare from total loss, whatever part of their hearing still functions.  If I'm talking with someone on the way in and miss the stealthy approach of this witchlike creature, I risk the heart attack that may well see me off and I'd be seriously pissed at it happening BEFORE I'd done my shopping. 

Never one to miss an opportunity, Wal-Mart gets 'great value' from these greeters by making them double up as the person who slaps a sticker on goods you are returning.  This should be a simple process but involves the use of a bar code gun and this, in the hands of one of these people, is like asking a man with no fingers to eat with chopsticks.  He'll get there in the end but it'll be a long process and painful to watch.

I'm telling you, if you're in Florida, forget Disney.  Forget Universal.  Forget Seaworld.  (I've forgotten all of them but I explained about that at the start).  No, seriously, if you want a good free day out and enjoy seeing people who may or may not be from this planet, I highly recommend a trip to Sebring Wal-Mart.

So now I've added something to the grocery list that is always maintained on our fridge door.  If the items necessitate a trip to Wal-Mart, I add CAMERA to the list. 

You won't have long to wait.


8 comments:

Daphne said...

But actually - - you didn't need the camera on this trip! I can picture it perfectly now.

A Brit in Tennessee said...

Oh how hilarious....
I seem to experience the same human "Punch and Judy" shows, each time I go to Walmart. Often times I leave, just shaking my head, and wondering, (are these people really out there ).
I love shopping at Walmart though, you just have to be prepared to deal with the bazaar, and people who walk to the beat of a different drummer.
Love your new camera !

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

LOL there's one born everyday they say! I just answered Betsy's dessert question, enjoy!

rhymeswithplague said...

Back in the fifties, before WalMart existed, my dad liked to stand at the entrance to Sears Roebuck and look at people's shoes as they went by. He said you could tell a lot about a person from his or her shoes.

I don't know why I feel compelled to tell you this, but I feel a lot better now.

Marjie said...

I found you through Jan's blog, and I must say, you made me laugh. People are such idiots, and the ones who whine that it isn't their fault they're fat while sucking down Starbucks calorie-crammers are the worst!

Silverback said...

Thanks for the comments, friends.

Welcome Josephine, Sarah and Marjie, nice to see you here. Put your feet up and stay awhile.

It's gotta be better than going to Wal-Mart ;-)

Katherine said...

Great post! Please do take the camera next time. Looking forward to it!

Jan said...

I know exactly what you mean, I shop at Wally-Mart too. Mind you, it's the only show in town in rural Oklahoma. :-)

You are so lucky to be able to divide your time between US & UK.

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog, and for leaving me such kind comments.

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