Food for Thought

Q. When is a Whopper not a Whopper ?

A : When it's a burger.

If you thought a Whopper WAS a burger, then I'm sure you're a bit confused by that Q&A but like when old Mrs. Zaminski bent over to pick up her false teeth at last years Hawaiian pool party, all will be revealed.

As you already know from my last post (and if you don't know, get to it and read it immediately), we were on a tight time schedule and running a bit late after shopping at Walmart so didn't have time for a sit down lunch anywhere. Asked for my choice of fast food to pick up, I said Burger King as I like their Whoppers.

For the uninitiated, a Whopper is a grilled meat pattie in a sesame bun with onion, lettuce and tomato and as with just about every sandwich you get here in America, pickle and mayonnaise.

It's incredibly healthy and nutritious and when taken as part of a combo (fries and a drink), it fulfils one's daily requirement of 5 fruits and vegetables in one wonderfully tasty and succulent meal.

Shut up, it works for me !

Being the slim,trim, athletic person wot I am, I decided to forgo the combo deal and just asked for the Whopper - this time. I'd get the rest of my 5-a-day some other way. Actually as she was driving and therefore the one closest to the drive thru ordering machine, Debby ordered for me as she knows my Whopper preferences.

"A Whopper, please, with no pickle and no mayo."

I hate pickles with a passion usually only reserved for that other nose turning abomination, parmesan cheese. I never want either within 100yds of my food and if ever I get a pickle on a sandwich or even on my plate, they'd better not just take it back to the kitchen and think to remove the offending item. Oh no, I want a whole new meal thank you.

And I don't like mayo as it's unhealthy !

So with my new improved healthy and tasty Whopper being carefully prepared inside by a crack team of chefs from the American Culinary Institutel, money was handed over and we waited by the collection window. A few seconds later the bag was passed out and we set off for home.

I had the top of the bag firmly closed inside my hand as I wanted to eat the Whopper back home where I could sit in comfort and also have a drink to wash it down. A mile or so down the road I realised this was a bad idea as it would be lukewarm at best and it just doesn't do to nuke a Whopper. So, deciding to eat it on the way, I opened the bag and removed the covered Whopper, noticing that the little pickle and mayo images on the covering paper had been crossed out, indicating that my preferences had been dealt with.

Now a Whopper is an aptly named food item as with the normally generous portions of salad additives, the package is quite thick and substantial. Not so with this Whopper.

I opened the wrapping paper, lifted the top of the bun and found a very lonely looking meat pattie and then the bottom of the bun. Granted no pickle and no mayo but there was no lettuce, tomato or onion either !

And THIS, dear reader, is when a Whopper became a burger and a very pathetic burger at that. I'm not sure what shocked me more : that my Whopper was salad-less or that without the salad bits, the meat in a Whopper leaves a lot to be desired. It may have been a turning point in my fast food eating habits !

It was too far to go back and we didn't have the time to do so. Being an American town, there are fast food outlets everywhere and there was another Burger King on our route home so thanks to the wonderful marriage of phone and internet, we got the number of the one ahead and rang to explain what had happened and they said to call in and they'd sort me out a new Whopper.

I went in and as they were expecting me, I was served right away. Handing over my pathetic looking burger, I suggested they add the meat to my new Whopper (as I knew they'd throw it away anyway) but this was too complicated a concept for the young employee to cope with and she said "oh no, we'll make you a brand new Whopper, sir."

"Yes but.........."

Into the bin went Lonely Pattie and Soggy Dough.

Dammit.

"I'll fix you some fresh fries, too, sir."

"But I never............"

Dammit. Well ok then, if you're GIVING them away...........

And so I finally got my Whopper as I like it, with lashings of crisp lettuce, juicy tomato and fresh onion. No pickle, no mayo. And with fries thrown in !

Some time later I rang the first Burger King outlet to complain about my order as I just couldn't understand how they could wrap up a burger with clearly marked Whopper wrapping paper and yet with only a bun and meat pattie inside. They apologised and said that, although some customers DO only want bread and meat, this clearly did not constitute a Whopper and, taking down my name, they said they'd give me a free Whopper on my next visit. Result !

I'm temped to take them up on this offer but order it without pickle, mayo, lettuce, tomato and onion.

"But that just leaves the bun and the meat pattie, sir, and that's not a Whopper."

"Well it was the last time I came here !!!"