Many titles came to mind when I started this post as I just needed to get the word 'dig' in there somewhere. After losing 20 seconds of my life, I settled on the above.
So what's it all about then ? What can, or can't, you dig ?
First, the lead in story. I admit to watching a lot of tv but not a lot of tv adverts. They mostly annoy me and as you may know, the ones on during the day have driven me to write the odd email from time to time.
Yes I'm THAT sad.
Anyhoo a few minutes ago I was quietly having my supper-on-a-lap meal and half watching Corrie when it went to an ad break. I immediately gave full attention to my supper and so it came as some surprise when words on an advert got through to me.
Come to "The Ultimate Adventure Park Experience"
That got my attention. See it's finally school holiday time here in the UK and many evening adverts are trying to lure us out of our cozy homes at weekends and into theme parks that, due to building more and more record busting rides, attempt to empty our stomachs and wallets at roughly the same time.
So what was this one all about ? One of the big established parks ? Alton Towers ? Thorpe Park ? Maybe even Legoland ?
I looked up and saw diggers ? Y'know. Building site diggers. Dumper Trucks. Diggers scooping dirt out of the ground. Diggers carrying people in their buckets. Dancing syncronised diggers. What the f*** ?????
Holy backhoe, Batman, this was a digger theme park !!
The bright bods at the planning stage had pulled straws and come up with a natty name for this park - Diggerland ! You have to love that simplicity of thought.
Happy (and slightly pissed) mums and dads have to fork out £15 per person to enter this 'world of adventure' where you can watch the experts......ah.........digging holes. It appears that the visitors can also drive these diggers, under supervision as they say on their website. Oh what spoilsports.
We want NO supervision ! We want 15 yr olds wrecking the concession stands, picking up old age pensioners and dumping them in pre dug pits and generally having loads of jolly adventures.
We want digger buckets full of hoodies chanting footy songs and spitting on family groups from a great height. 6 feet maybe.
I think the excitement of being up close to a mechanical digger would run out after about 15 seconds and so that would be £1 a second by my calculations. A great day out indeed.
Oh but get this - under 3's are free. Well whoop-di-do. Little Billy can plunk his nappy covered botty onto the seat of a dumper truck and quite reasonably ask, why can't my feet reach the pedals then ? The web site says they have mini diggers so they could be for Billy and his age challenged pals. For some reason I've just had a sudden vision of Stewie.
However, of all the information on the Diggerland web site, the most impressive and to be honest, the hardest to believe, is that there are now 4, yes 4 Diggerlands in the UK.
And we have one here in Yorkshire. We've been chosen. God's own county. Hurrah.
It's in Castleford mind you so that is reason enough never to darken it's metalic doorstep.
To save you googling for this frankly astonishing theme park, I'll give you the link. Usually I'd have given it out when the name was first mentioned at the top of the post. But quite honestly I was doing you a favour as it comes with music piped straight from the lobotomy ward - so be warned.
I also feared that if you went to it early on, you'd be so taken with it's content, that you'd totally forget to return to my post. I just couldn't risk it.
So here it is. Fill your boots. Or your buckets. And after 2 mins, check that your mouth is closed.