Hi, I'm Ian and I'm A Couch Potato.
There, I've gone all AA because these days being a CP isn't PC.....if you follow me.
I mean I may not be quite up there with Jim Royal but I think I run him a close second.
(Had to have a break there as I used the word 'run' and came over a little faint.)
I try to get my fill of fresh air and exercise during the week as weekends are just cram packed with so much live televised sport that Jim's infamous expletive comes to mind when I finally power things off each night. Or the early hours of the morning.
I remember a very early episode of The Simpsons where Homer had just got hooked up to free cable and the family were sitting watching anything on any channel just cause it was there. One by one the family members got bored and drifted away from the living room - except for Homer who sat, zombie like, for 24 hrs + sinking deeper and deeper into the couch. When he did eventually get up, he had to peel himself of the chair and in doing so, left behind a 'shroud of Turin' like image of himself.
I know the feeling.
Many years ago when I first got cable, I remember seeing that I had a couple of dedicated sports channels and I thought......how are they going to fill them ? Surely there isn't enough sport going on in the world to have 2.....yes 2 full time tv channels ? Ahhhhh such naivity.
I now have a choice of at least 12 channels dedicated to bringing top notch sport to me in my electric powered leather armchair and that doesn't include others that I never watch - like horse racing ones.
Well I say top notch sport with fingers tightly crossed and tongue firmly cheeked because some....ok a lot.... of the sport rarely reaches the heady heights that would qualify it as top notch, or even low notch.
A spot of channel surfing yesterday brought up such dubious sports as Pro Arm Wrestling and Pro Bull Riding. Can't see those becoming Olympic events any time soon but then you never know. I mean we do have Synchronised Swimming and Rhythmic Gymnastics after all.
It's the Pro bit that gets me. These 'athletes' actually make a living out of this. Obviously I just HAD to have a look and for a few minutes, I sat open mouthed as in the arm wrestling sport, huge muscled men held hands and got their faces so close to each other that I thought I'd somehow tuned into a webcam at The Birdcage.
Although today is a Sunday, take it as a typical example of weekend live televised sport and in this 24 hr period we have the established sports of golf, cycling, cricket, 'normal' footy from England, Spain, France and Germany, Aussie footy, American footy, Irish (Gaelic) footy, rugby league, rugby union, motor racing (all sorts), athletics and baseball. Then we have the next tier of sports like road racing, 3 day eventing, powerboating and mountain biking. After that we hit the twilight zone of sporting events such as wakeboarding, skateboarding, and something to do with power kites. What ??
The most dubious sport on the tv schedules today is on a show called Cage Rage. This appears to be where small nappy wearing thugs of Asian descent get into a caged ring and basically use any form of martial arts to try and put their opponents into a coma. Maybe it'll catch on if women take up this jolly game and they swap the ring for a mud pit. Sorry.....bit sexist there.
As winter approaches we get a whole plethera of sports played on the snow and ice. These are dominated by the Nordic countries and it seems that if you strap anything to your feet and try to go fast, it's a sport. Well the days are long up there and I believe their tv sucks.
Just to add some excitement to these events, they throw in tasks during an otherwise boring ski race which involves taking the rifle that they've carried around on their backs for 20kms and trying to shoot at small distant targets. If it snowed a lot in South East LA, I'd have to think the natives would be naturals at this. If they ever adapt it and swap skis for cars, America will be World Champs. Drive-by Nordic Shooting. The team event would be a hoot.
Yesterday we had the UK leg of something called Turbo Tennis with players like Tim, Greg, Andy and Goran (??) playing each other - almost normal tennis rules but with 30 minute matches and whoever was leading when the time was up, won. Somehow I think it was their answer to 20/20 cricket as it seems everyone wants fast paced sport these days. If it lasts more than an hour or so, we hit the remote. I see the end for traditional test cricket, as a game that lasts for 5 days will only be supported by oldies who can sit in a chair and doze for most of the time.
Hang on, that sounds like me !