Thursday, January 10, 2008

Food Glorious Food

Still on a food theme, I like food. But I'm very picky.

Now I know that millions of people all around the world would love to have the opportunity to be picky about what, indeed when, they eat. But a bit like Amy Whinehouse going on tour and actually being sober for a change, that's not something I have much control over.

So I'll leave the guilt behind for now and just tell it like it is - I'm a picky eater.

Salad items - just lettuce, tomato and onion.
Fruits - just apples, oranges and bananas.
Fish - just salmon and whatever goes into 'fish and chips' fish.
Meat - just about anything from a cow, pig, lamb, fowl, deer, wildebeest (you get the picture).
Veggies - what are those ?

Add a few basic necessities like eggs, milk, chocolate covered raisins, bread, tea, chocolate covered raisins, rice, pasta, baked beans, chocolate covered raisins...........

Ok you know what ? Maybe I'm not as picky as I thought I was.

But I draw a line in the sand with some food items - and believe me no one wants to eat them after you do THAT.

Pickles. Who the hell invented pickles ? More to the point, what were they thinking ? Lets create a slimey green tubular thing that can be sliced and added to a perfectly good sandwich to make it taste like crap. Every sandwich from a Club to a Whopper comes with pickles in America. Sometimes I get distracted in a restaurant and forget to order my sandwich without this abomination and I have to send it back. Oh and don't try and bring the sandwich back to me having just removed the pickles. Oh hell no. Like a snail out on a moonlit walk, those pickle slices have left a NASTY trail on my food. No, no, no. A new sandwich please. Sans pickle.

Parmesan cheese. You have GOT to be kidding me. I can smell that vile stuff from the next restaurant. And people actually drizzle it on their food and eat it. How ? Have they never been round the back of The Dyslexic Highmanway pub at closing time on a Friday night ? Or how about the men's toilets at Elland Road after a home game.

Yes people, it's the SAME smell.

Anyway my list could go on and that's not what this post is about. I'm just letting you know, dear faithful reader, that there are a few, just a few, food items that shall never pass my lips. And a few more that will never pass my nose. I've known this for a long time and can live with it.

Today I learned of a few items that I don't even want to THINK about, never mind have them anywhere near my nose or, God forbid, my lips. Unfortunately I read the article about them like a deer trapped in the glare of a car's headlights. I so wanted to look away but couldn't. I so wanted to take the 'back' option but couldn't. I so wanted to not throw up, but did.

In Beijing, China, (a country near Australia), you can imagine they sometimes eat strange food items. Come on, the idea can't be new to you. Think about your last local Chinese restaurant meal and later that same night when you spent most of your sleeping hours on the toilet seat ? Ah NOW you're with me. Well if they cook like that in your country, what must they like to cook in their OWN country !

"Appetizer sir ? How about Russian dog penis ? No ? Ok".

"Russian dog testicles ? Very nice with rice. No ? Ok".

"Snake ? Very potent. They have 2 penises each. Good value. BOGOFF deal in fact. No ?"

I'd be on the floor by now. Well my head would be. My ass would be in the air and I'd be creating my own parmesan cheese. "There ya go, Mr. Wong. Drizzle THAT on your dogs bollocks".

"Ahhhh you need a drink, sir".

"Hell yes I need a drink".

"Deer blood and vodka cocktail ?"

"What the hell is WRONG with you people !!!!"

This would all be taking place in The Guolizhuang Restaurant which claims to be China's only speciality penis emporium. I have little reason to doubt this claim.

And you thought The Golden Coral was bad ? I saw no bull perineum on it's extensive menu.
No sign of a penis either. Not even heavily disguised in the dessert section. Nope, it doesn't hold a candle to the penis paradise that is The Guolizhuang Restaurant.

In the unlikely event of me EVER getting a gift card for that place, it'll be re-gifted faster than you can say "circumcision." I just can't think of anything worse than seeing a donkey penis lying on my plate.

Oh hang on, yes I can. A donkey penis with a pickle on it.

1 comment:

Daphne said...

1) How about strawberries and raspberried and melons? All very nice indeed
2) But I'm with you on the Parmesan Cheese, though I don't hate it as much as I hate black pepper
3) By "pickle" you mean "pickled cucumber" not our own, proper, British Branston pickle which is the Only Pickle worth considering. Pickled cucumber is okay with a salad, sometimes - yes, it really is - but should never be put in sandwiches as, as you say, it contaminates everything.
4) When you return from the Land of Sunshine and Alligators, I won't be welcoming you back with a meal of donkey penis. Or anything else's penis. Especially not with pickle and parmesan. Hope that's clear. Feel sick now.
5) Have you ever tried chocolate covered raisins? They're really good.
Off for a drink in the Dyslexic Highmanyway now. The Chained Bull has closed. I don't know what they did with its penis.

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