Actually maybe I'm 60. It's not that my birth certificate was lost or anything and so I'm just guessing. No, it's more that, as a kind friend reminded me yesterday, having been born on 25th June 1952, I've already SPENT 59 years on this earth and so to be absolutely accurate, I'm now in my 60th year.
But I'm not having it. No, no, no.
When the big six-o sneaks up and slaps me in the face with a wet kipper, I want it to be a bit more memorable than with me sitting watching Bridget Jones's Diary on ITV. As it happens it was on but I didn't watch it. I felt it hit too close to home and certainly NOT birthday watching !
60. OMG.....60. I'm not sure how that will affect me. 40 didn't. 50 didn't. So maybe 60 won't either. But I think it will. It's sooooooo freaking old !
And I won't even get a free bus pass to ease the shock. Currently my date for one of those is 6th September 2014 as that's when a woman of my age can get a state pension.
Don't ask ! This country is messed up.
Anyway I've got a year yet as no matter what the real truth may be, convention decrees that I can put 59 down on forms for my age. I'm not even too happy about THAT but as I'm not a Hollywood actress from back in the day (have to get that in on every blog you know) when they lied about their age, then it's a fair cop. I'm 59.
My middle age spread has settled in like a cockroach in a Chinese takeaway and shows no signs of leaving any time soon. I'd been told, on good authority by a guy in a bar, that if you sit watching tv for 16 hrs a day and get a good 8 hrs sleep, then the flab just drops off.
I suspect he wasn't being perfectly truthful. What is the world coming to ?
As my girth has increased, my hair has gone the other way. Actually when I decided to shave off my long held beard and moustache a few months ago, my head looked like a bowling ball. But just as hair was abandoning my head, it was appearing on other parts of my body.
What's THAT all about ?
And I don't even like liver, so why have I got its spots ? Speaking of skin, I need to remember not to pinch myself when I do reach 60 or that pinch may still be there the next day.
Then there is the attitude. Positive thinking has come up against physical deterioration and been found wanting. Back in the day (love it) I'd be vaulting over fences and gates and dropping 15 feet out of recently climbed trees. Then came the time when I'd slowly ease myself over those same fences and gates and need a hand getting down from those trees. Now I don't go over fences, I open gates and a tree is something to admire from a distance.
My armchair raises my legs electrically. My car takes me to the local shops. My remotes allow me to enjoy my tv and music from said chair. And my mail order Filipina girl takes care of everything else.
Ok one of those isn't true.
I don't have any local shops.
But despite all the doom and gloom of advancing years, I'm still retired and until death comes to tell me to slow down, then for me, retirement rocks.
Great name for a blog.