Thursday, May 01, 2008

Hands Off My Keyboard !!

The noted UK consumer magazine, Which ? Computing, revealed today that some computer keyboards carry more harmful bacteria than a toilet seat.

"Keyboards harbour harmful bacteria", screamed the headline.

"5 times filthier than a toilet seat", added a sub heading.

Hmmmmmm. The tabloids lapped it up, if you'll pardon the expression. Even the BBC carried the story.

What are we to make of the results from this extensive and exhaustive investigation ? Well hang on a minute.

Which ? Computing visited ONE office in London to get these test results and swabbed one toilet seat in the same office. Ok so that MAY be enough to suggest that keyboards everywhere are covered in short curly hairs and have strange yellow stains around their edges but then again, is this right ? Can such small test numbers really indicate a nationwide problem ?

Their article goes on to say that 10% of the people in the survey said they never cleaned their keyboards with a further 20% admitting to never cleaning their mouse. Poor little thing. Nothing worse than a dirty mouse.

But no numbers were given. How many people ? 2 ? 102 ? 1002 ? Who knows.

And this toilet seat that was tested. Did it belong to the CEO who may never have sat on it in his life and probably never knew it even existed ? Who knows.

You can imagine the conversation in the Cayman Islands Golf & Country Club between the CEO and his lackey.........

"According to this article, I've got a toilet ?"

"Yes, sir, it's in that little room just off your main office."

"I have an office ?"

"Yes, sir, it's in that huge room just off your penthouse suite on the top floor."

"I have a penthouse suite ?"

" Yes, sir, it's in your building in central London."

"Well I'll be buggered. Ok, lets play another 9."

But if nothing else, this article does raise interesting points, even if it has dubious credentials.

I clean my laptop every week but I do it to ensure that the chunks of jaffa cakes and solidified globs of banana and custard yogurt don't do any lasting damage by working their way to the underlying circuit boards and cause my Windows Vista to go belly up just when I'm about to save hours of typing on my word processor. Hate when that happens. Yes I know, save as you go along. Smug bastards, the lot of you.

I use a compressed air hose to flush out things that shouldn't be there and even a few things that should be. Hopefully nothing of any importance. I then run my Dyson over the keyboard to get at any bits and pieces that have been dislodged by the compressed air and then I sift through the dust chamber to get back the individual keys that have been ripped from their bases. Yes, James, you have developed a Very efficient vacuum cleaner.

I then use a q-tip dipped in battery acid to thoroughly cleanse the keys and remove all traces of pubic hair, turd shrapnel and piss residue that have found their way from my filthy fingertips. Actually only one finger tip from each hand as that's how I type. Actually I'm really not sure how these nasty things get from my fingers as I usually lick them before starting to type anything.

I guess that means, according to Which ? Computing, that my tongue harbours more bacteria than a toilet seat !

No wonder Gran is always ill !!

6 comments:

Daphne said...

Just HOW harmful are these "harmful bacteria"? Perhaps all these so-called cases of MRSA in hospitals were, in fact, simple Keyboard Poisoning. Perhaps we are in the middle of an epidemic of Keyboard Plague. I think we should be told.

Silverback said...

And not just computer keyboards. Can you imagine the bacteria on a keyboard used in a rock group ??

That's it. MRSA can be traced all the way back to Rick Wakeman !

Jennyta said...

My first thought was that they obviously didn't have enough real news to occupy them yesterday. That item was run right through the day.
As to how you clean your keyboard, Ian, my response to that would be 'And pigs might fly!' But if it's true, could you please pop over and give Keith a lesson?

Debby said...

Mouse balls definitely need to be cleaned. That's a delicate operation for sure. Alcohol is best of course. I wonder if we just let the little rodents drink it, do they care if their tiny balls are dirty?

Silverback said...

Works for most males I know, Debby !

Jenny, I COULD give Keith a lesson on keyboard cleaning but where would it all end ? It'd be the living room next, then the bedroom and before you know it, you'd be out of a job !

Jennyta said...

Unlikely, Ian!

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