The Great North Swim

The intrepid trio (Daphne, Stephen et moi) have just returned from Bowness-On-Windermere in the Lake District where Daphne was taking part in the Great North Swim.

10,000 swimmers, of all shapes, sizes, ages and sexual persuasions, take part in this annual swim across part of Lake Windermere and it is the main one of the 5 Great Swim series which covers the whole UK. The swim goes on over the 3 days of the weekend and so there are plenty of competitors still to brave the lake waters today (Sun). They go off in 300 person 'waves' as 10,000 entering at once would be a logistical nightmare and Health & Safety would have a fit.

I've never seen a more impressively organised event. From traffic control to changing facilities, on site announcements to catering, safety supervision to after swim arrangements, the organisation was top drawer. When you add in the friends, family and supporters who came with each swimmer, the numbers on site were staggering.



While Daphne went off to change into her compulsory wet suit (due to the water temperature), I had a look at the swimmers who were gathered nearby for the upcoming wave. There were different coloured hats for each wave and as these photos show, this was the white hat wave.



Not everyone was taking in the spectacle and there were other distractions for them.

Then just after 12:00, it was time for the 'orange hats' to prepare to set off. One by one they exited the changing tent and gathered near the ramp leading down to the lake. The announcer brought everyone to fever pitch as he did over and over as the day wore on. There was an opportunity to go to a small area of the lake to get acclimatised to the water temperature and also to get used to swimming in a wet suit as for many of the first timers, this was to be a new experience.

And then there was Daphne...........

Her wave was due to set off at 12:30 but for some reason, the organisers slotted in the men's elite race at that time. A handful of famous swimmers (famous if you followed open water swimming that is) lined up down by the edge of the lake and when the klaxon sounded, off they went on the 1 mile circuit. About 10 minutes later the 'orange hats' got the ok to set off and 7 minutes after that, the elite swimmers had reached the finish point !

But back at the start, the waters were being churned up by 300 or so more inexperienced swimmers who probably had personal times to beat but were there for fun and to 'earn' their sponsorship monies.

Once out on the course, we lost sight of individuals as, even using binoculars, it was impossible to pick anyone out. Stephen went round the lake to try and spot Daphne, but I went to the finish area to work my way to the front to be ready for her arrival about an hour later. Whilst waiting, I saw the full extent of the good, the bad and....well....the rest. As well as being impressed by the body shapes of many of the swimmers who had just completed the 1 mile course in well under an hour, I was also impressed by just how much rubber can stretch.





After a while the elite podium finishers came back, showered and dressed, to be presented with their medals and here are the photos. The men's race was won by young Brit Tom Allen who looked about 15 and completed the 1 mile course in 16mins 30secs. Jan WolfGarten from Germany was second, with another Brit, Dave Carry in third.

The women's elite race was won by Germany's Isabelle Haerle in a time of 17mins 52secs with Maaike Waaijer second for The Netherlands and Switzerland's Swann Oberson in third. Brits were 4th and 5th.

The winning teenager was happy to pose for photos afterwards..........

This was not a fun swim in the way that marathons can be fun runs and character costumes were NOT allowed. I can't imagine anyone wanting to swim a mile wearing a chicken suit but you never know. One swimmer did manage a token 'costume' which hopefully didn't scare anyone around her during the race.

One by one the swimmers completed the course and came along the finishing route towards me. Each had been wearing a computer timing chip around their ankles and these were triggered at the start and finish arches and all the times are being constantly posted on the official web site.

Despite being IN the water for up to an hour, most swimmers just wanted a drink of better tasting water at the finish point. They also got free flip flops which they needed to get to the changing tent and a well stocked and very impressive 'goodie bag' containing a t-shirt and a medal amongst other items.


Most unexpectedly, to me anyway, along the finishing route came probably our most recognisable swimmer, 54 year old Duncan Goodhew who won the breaststroke Gold Medal at the 1980 Olympic Games in Moscow. Recognising me immediately, he came over to where I was standing and I had a word with him. Well the word was 'DUNCAN' and he only came over after I yelled it at him but that's just for us to know.

And then, just over the hour mark, along came a very happy Daphne. She had her photo taken for the web site and then it was my turn. I was so proud of her as, despite swimming the distance many times in sports centre pools, this was her first time in a lake and swimming with so many others. But she set a new personal time and it would've been even better, and maybe under the hour, if she hadn't stopped along the course to chat with other swimmers.

DAPHNE !!! What are you like !!!

Anyway if you go to the web site results link and enter her number (5145), you'll get her time and where she finished in relation to the others.

The final photo is her back at the b&b and proudly wearing her medal.

Well done, Daffy. You were very nervous about the swim but I was so glad when you finished and said how much you enjoyed it. There is still time to add something to her fundraising cause so if you can, please do. It's a worthy cause and let's face it, she more than deserves to raise oodles of money for it.

Swimming a mile in Lake Windermere (water temp 16c) isn't for the faint hearted.

It's for the big hearted and Daphne's is massive.

Just to end on a sad note, a 60 year old swimmer had to be airlifted to hospital after suffering a heart attack early this morning while taking part in the swim. At this time, he is in critical condition. This comes on top of a local 46 year old man who collapsed during the swim yesterday and was pronounced dead on arrival at hospital. My sympathy goes out to their families, friends and supporters.

Four Countries Under One Nation

It's that time of year when people wrap up in several layers of clothing, the rain comes in torrents and the bitter wind cuts you to ribbons.

Yes it's cold, wet and windy......or summer, as we call it here in Britain.

But with a determination and stubborn courage that comes from winning a few wars and test matches, we don't let such things stop us from getting out there and enjoying our fair land. The old jewel may be a bit damp, a bit windy and a bit cold, but that's what car heaters are for.

As such, yours truly is off on his 'jollies' for a few weeks, going to 4 very different countries without ever leaving the UK.

First up and tomorrow morning, we (Daphne and Stephen and moi) are off up to the beautiful Lake District for the weekend at Lake Windermere. Daphne is taking part in the Great North Swim which is like the Great North Run but wetter. Much wetter. In fact so wet that she has had to buy a wet suit just for the occasion. In their wisdom, the organisers have decreed that ALL swimmers must wear these full body condoms as the lake water will be very cold...and probably wet. This is all very well but the suit tends to raise up the body of the swimmer and so it's like swimming along on top of Dawn French (or Rosie O'Donnell if you're American).

Not entirely unpleasant but not ideal for smooth propulsion.

The following Saturday (25th) Daphne, Stephen and family are off to Wales for their annual pilgrimage to Tenby. They have been going to this sun kissed seaside town, and indeed the same hotel there, every year since the Romans left it to return to.....ahh.....Romany. I've joined them a few times and have been kindly invited again - an offer I may take up after I've recovered from my birthday celebrations, which also happens to fall on the 25th this year. Spooky really as it did that last year too.

The Saturday after returning from Wales, and if you're keeping up that'll be the 9th July, we will be heading up to Scotland and then across to N. Ireland for the last part of this UK tour : a week exploring the province. I'm really looking forward to showing D & S around the land of my birth and if there isn't a blue plaque on my house there, I'll be wanting to know the reason why !

The Giant's Causeway, Dunluce Castle, the Coast Road, the Glens of Antrim and my old boarding school are all within a few miles of each other and I'm praying that the weather will be kind for us as a warm sunny day with blue skies above will make all the difference.

Once we've recovered from these trips, it'll almost be time to pop across the channel for the main trip of the summer, a few weeks exploring France and Spain. This trip hasn't been booked yet so it might not happen but I'm hoping it will.

All this travelling will be done in D & S's little Renault Clio so if we weren't close friends before, we sure will be by the end.

Today it had its annual service.

I'll be saying a prayer for it too !

I Need A Hedge Fund

Back in the day (I know, I know) when I bought this house, it came with a hedge twixt my front garden and the garden of my neighbour who, not entirely unnaturally, lived next door. That made my house a semi detached property as opposed to a detached property which isn't joined to anything, apart from a larger mortgage !

As the years and decades and even centuries passed by, this hedge grew as fast upwards as my savings plummeted downwards. Oh and as is a hedge's nature, it went outwards too. Now and again it was trimmed but over the past decade, even a professional basketball player couldn't have levelled the top of it even using a seriously long ladder.

Maybe that was the problem. He should've used a trimmer !

Month by month my front view was being diminished. Well unless I wanted a view of the hedge that is. It would blot out the sun (ha ! what sun) to such an extent that I never saw it till after 7pm every evening by which time, it was blushing a deep red and thinking seriously about setting.

I didn't want it trimmed as that would still involve costs every year to keep it trimmed and I try to avoid ongoing costs whenever possible. So something had to be done and despite my lovely neighbours not wanting to chip in, I decided it had to go. I knew that the end of the hedge closest to my house 'contained' a sizeable tree of some sort so a normal hedge removal company wouldn't be able to deal with it. Luckily my friend Daphne recommended a company that had removed several of her trees recently (with her permission I hasten to add) and so I arranged for them to come this morning and do their thing.

Before they arrived, I took the opportunity to photograph the hedge in all its awesomeness to remind myself what the bugger looked like before its demise and here are those photos...........






Then the A team moved in and started the demolition job........

This one reminded me of Fargo for some reason. It's ok though, no one was hurt in the making of this photo.


This one gives a good idea what the hedge was like. A man could get lost in there and actually the guys found 3 tennis balls, one golf ball and a set of bones in there. I'm not asking questions but I'm sure next door had twins at some point !

As I was in a movie thinking mood, this image reminded me of Field Of Dreams when the old baseball players walk into the tall corn stalks and simply fade away.

With the greenery removed, I was amazed to see that not one but 4 'trees' had been hidden within the hedge. Of course this is maybe what a nude hedge looks like...what do I know. Anyway within seconds, these trunks were removed faster than you could say "nudist beach."

And this is what was left.........

As you can see from the last photo, the stumps remain and all in all it looks a bit unsightly......open but unsightly. So with the power of Photoshop lets go forward a few weeks when hopefully the grass will cover most of the gap between our gardens.

Then a flower border can be created to show the division line between our properties and that will look a lot better than the dreaded hedge.

So now I'm looking out the window and for the first time in 28 years I'm looking at a wonderful view - of my neighbour's other hedge !

Oh well they have asked for the business card of the A team so maybe one day that hedge will go too and at last I'll be able to see into the window of her at No.17.

I've seen her washing line so I KNOW it will be worth the wait !

Back In The Day.........

One of my fav US tv shows is Pawn Stars and I was delighted when I noticed that on my return to the UK, the show is broadcast here too. For obvious reasons, I much prefer writing the name down than saying it out loud. Maybe it's my accent but I find much confusion arises when recommending it to friends and they tend to walk away muttering "pervert" under their breaths.

I'm a bit worried what they'll think when I tell them a new variant of the show is coming here soon......Hardcore Pawn Stars ! Set in a well dodgy part of Detroit, I don't expect the customers to be as polite (or as white) as the ones in the Las Vegas original. I can't wait.

Anyway the point is that on the Vegas show, every time someone comes in with an item older than 50 years or so, the guys who own the store will invariably use the expression "back in the day" when describing its function or reason d'etre.

"Back in the day this Betamax recorder was the iPad of sophisticated home recording."

That sort of thing.

If it's one thing we learn from these shows which reintroduce us to items from history, it's that stuff was built to last back then....back in the day. How many of today's mass produced Taiwanese products will be about in the next century ? The next decade ? Next week ?

Many of today's products have incredibly short life expectancies. They're designed to be thrown away if the slightest feature breaks and with redundancy built in at the factory, it WILL break sooner than later. I mean 25th century archaeologists aren't going to be digging up mp3s and TiVos and going....hey lets power these suckers up and see if they still work. They simply won't BE there TO dig up.

But not those items from back in the day. Oh no. They were made to last and I've got a couple of them in my house. In fact if you add my house, that's three !

One of the first items I bought when I moved into this, my first house, was a microwave oven. This was back in 1983 so kinda borderline for back in the day but as it'll screw up my blog post if I leave it out, go along with me here. 28 years later and it's still going strong but I tend to press the start button and retire to a safe distance as I'm sure the door seal disintegrated years ago. Would explain my lack of children and why it's not only my watch dial that glows faintly in a dark room.

A couple of years ago I did get a new combi oven but just couldn't throw out the old Sharp. And very useful it's been too. Plenty of microwaves left in the old dog yet. And I still have the manual for it.

But even older is my central heating boiler. It was here when I bought the house and who knows how long before that. It's fuelled by peat and the instructions are in Latin. It's very inefficient now and the pilot light gets harder and harder to fire up when I return from my winters in Florida. Every year the service engineer tells me it won't last much longer and with parts hard to find for it, I really should think about getting a new one. But as it was built 'back in the day' and works fine once the pilot light is sorted out, I nod and agree and do nothing about it.

Till now.

After its service last week, I just had a feeling it's not going to last much longer. So tomorrow a bright shiny (very expensive) new boiler arrives and will be installed the next day. After over 28 years in MY service, the current one owes me nothing but I won't shed a tear when it goes. Maybe it's because I didn't buy it. Maybe it's because it's hidden away in a cupboard and only seen a few times a year. And yes, I do have the manual for it too !

I like old things. Old but reliable things with plenty of life left in them. I like to think I'm one myself.

Not So Much A Career As A Calling.

Call centres are the bane of our lives. The very name conjures up feelings of frustration, annoyance and even rage. Sadly this is because the 'bad' ones remain in our minds far longer than the 'good' ones.

If we ring one and get help in an understanding and acceptable way, we rarely talk about the experience with anyone, a bit like when we get a good restaurant meal with great service.

But when we come up against a call centre which leaves us fuming and wanting to kick the cat into next door's garden, then a bit like when we get a steak that could double as a shoe insert and a waitress who could curdle milk, then we want to tell everyone we come into contact with.

And so the stereotype continues.

I'm afraid I have NEVER EVER had satisfaction from a foreign call centre....and I think you know just which foreign country I'm talking about here as I really don't want to come across all racist by mentioning it. India.

But when money is the driving force and you can hire a room full of Indians in Mumbai for the price of two Englishmen in Bristol, then you can't blame the companies that do so. Well actually you can blame them, or at least their policy makers, as it has to get to the stage where poor customer satisfaction and even losing some customers far outweigh the financial benefits of hiring the very people who are driving those customers away.

Of course the reason for this post now is because I've had to ring the Virgin Media call centre over the last few days and although I've always praised the customer service staff at VM, that was because I'd never had to ring with a bill query. When I picked that option from the multiple choices presented, my heart sank when I heard the call centre voice at the other end.

More than anything else, I hate having to listen to people reading a greeting from a script. From the get go, it gives me the feeling I'm going to have to struggle to be understood and that's exactly what happened. I always make a point of recording these calls as they make a point of telling me so are they. In the past I've been promised things which never came to pass and when I remind them the promises could be recalled from their recording of the call and they say the recording is somehow not available, I tell them they can have mine. It's amazing how quickly their attitude changes.

The English language must be a nightmare to learn. Many English people haven't mastered it. We have words and phrases that can be interpreted several ways and few foreigners can come to terms with this. The thing is, we struggle to understand them but they plough on regardless as if WE are the ones with the problem. And in a way we do. A problem with THEM.

My monthly bill from VM was £190. That's for my phone, broadband and cable tv. £190 !! You can imagine why I was ringing them. Yes I was returning my services to as they were before I left the country last November so as VM charges a month in advance, I was expecting a much larger bill than usual.....but not for £190. The first guy was obviously a trainee as I could hear someone helping him with his answers and he kept saying he had to leave me to clarify something.

At one point he told me £89.50 would be credited to my bank account. Remember I have it recorded so that's a fact. That's when I should've said thank you very much and ended the call. But oh no, big gob had to say...."I only got the bill 30 mins ago and it doesn't get paid by direct debit for 3 weeks so no money has actually come out of my account yet. I just need a new bill." This appeared to throw him completely and he said he'd have to investigate further and I'd get a callback in the morning "within 3 o'clock"

"What does that mean," I asked.

"I mean you will get callback within 3 o'clock."

Noting that it was now just before midnight and he'd said I'd get a call in the morning, I understandably wanted to be sure I wasn't going to get a call within 3 hrs, at 3am !

"I don't know what you mean by within 3'oclock," I said.

"I mean we need to investigate further and you will..............."

"No,no,no,no,no. I understand I'm going to get a callback but when....at 3am or 3pm ?"

"Yes a callback within 3'oclock.

Sighhhhhhhh (clearly audible on my recording). "Do you mean 3pm tomorrow ?

"Yes"

"Ok bye"

You see, this is what I mean about the nuances of our language. He wasn't far wrong but just enough to be really annoying when I was already annoyed enough by first the bill, and then everything that I'd been through already talking with him.

Needless to say I never did get that callback "within the 3'oclock" or any other time. Not even 3pm Mumbai time. I did try again the next day but got a much more assertive Indian woman who bombarded me with details and amounts in a high pitched monotonous voice that had me on edge from the start. I tried so hard to not just say I needed to speak to someone who could both understand and speak English - mostly as I doubted there was one at that call centre.

So rather than stress myself out again, I'll just pick another dept choice from the initial phone menu and right now I'm thinking of the 'leaving Virgin Media' option. I got cable when it first came to my area so many years ago I can't even remember. Companies have come and gone from Bell Cablemedia to NTL to Virgin Media and I've remained loyal and not left to join Sky or any other competitor. But I'm not sure I want to remain with a company who put financial savings (for them) over customer satisfaction by outsourcing call centres abroad.

It rarely works, people.

Thank you for reading my blog. Is there anything else I can help you with today ?

You CAN Just Get The Staff

I'm not green fingered. I'm also lazy. But I do like to see a nice, colourful garden. So what to do ?

Well, find a friend like Daphne who is a kind soul with a good heart and even better fingers.....of the green variety. She loves gardening and who am I to stand (or sit) in her way.

Over the last few years she and her mom, Joan, who just happens to be 87 now, have transformed my front and back gardens into something quite beautiful. It's a work in progress I'm told as these things take time but now that the sun has finally hit the north of England, I thought I'd take a few photos to show the fruits of their labours.

Payment is a cup of tea and maybe a jaffa cake if they've done a particularly decent job. I think you'd agree they've done a lot of decent jobs.

I might just spring to a jaffa cake each.

Licence To Kill - The Sequel.

A few posts ago I wrote about my issues trying to stop letters arriving from the TV Licencing people when I'd told them no one would be here to watch tv over the winter.

Well they read my post and as well as leaving a comment and emailing me to apologise, they offered to ring me to sort things out.

First I need to say in their defence that last November when informing them I wanted to cancel my licence and get a refund, I did it online for the first time and so never actually rang them......and more to the point, I therefore never informed them the house would be empty for 6 months.

BUT that doesn't excuse all the previous years when I DID tell them the house would be empty and still got letters and visits.

Anyway not to labour the point anymore, as a result of emails and a phone call today, I'm happy to report their customer relations staff, especially SG (you know who you are but may not want to be named here), have come up trumps and I have an email address, a phone number and a location on their web site to inform them when I'll be away in future. If everything works, I shouldn't return to a batch of letter and a note from a personal caller all warning me to get a tv licence.

I'm a believer in giving praise where it's due and so, despite it taking several years of frustration and annoyance, thank you tv licencing customer relations.

It's also good to know a blog post can get results. Try it sometime....you never know who is 'watching'.

Oh, have I told you about my annoyance with Ferrari....................?

I Would Like To Thank...........

A few minutes ago I was looking at the latest stats on visitors to my blog and how they found it and noticed a few had arrived from the same site.....one I didn't recognise. So I went there and lo and behold I found I was in a list of their Top 25 Retirement Blogs.

Now although I've no idea what that OnlineMBA site is all about, I suspect it has nothing to do with basketball.

Anyway this is just a short blog post to say thanks to the obviously perceptive staff on that site. Having said that, I don't think any of my 724 blog posts answer any of the questions posed on the site so in a typically self deprecating vein, I have to say I donno why my blog made it to the list !

Is my statuette in the post ?

The Clayderman Mystery

A couple of evenings ago on some minor tv channel, I came across an old concert given in this country by French pianist Richard Clayderman. Now most Brits have probably never heard of Clayderman as he's one of those artists who have had great success all around Europe but little in the UK or the US.

When I say great success, I mean 267 gold and 70 platinum discs and that up to 2006. Given his prodigious output (ohh err), he's probably added a few more since then.

He's made so many albums because Clayderman is to the piano world what Canon is to the written word. He copies everything. Sure he puts his own distinctive middle of the road style on tunes, but they are copies none the less. Actually middle of the road doesn't do the term justice. He comes out on stage with a white line down his back and makes artists like Cliff Richard seem like heavy metal rockers.

Anyway the reason I know of Clayderman goes back to a trip I took back in 1972 just after the invention of the aeroplane and package holidays. I had just started my first job straight from Leicester Polytechnic and in the summer of that year, I splashed out on a summer holiday to the Spanish island of Majorca. I'd just passed my 20th birthday, had a full head (and face) of hair and this would be my first trip to foreign parts. An innocent abroad in lots of ways !!

Despite staying in an instantly forgettable hotel at the beach resort of Arenal (which I kept calling Arsenal) , it was set in a beautiful location a few paces from the water and about 10kms from the main city of Palma. Back in those days I couldn't swim but I enjoyed paddling in the warm water, sunbathing for hours on the beach and watching the world go by.

Back in the hotel, there weren't many evening events to entice me to stay in but one did take my fancy. Ok it was the ONLY event laid on over the whole 2 weeks and so it wasn't a hard decision to take up the offer of this act. It was a magic show and although I'd quickly change channels if such a show came on tv today, this was live, I was young and unused to the glamour of the entertainment world and, let's face it, it was free.

I remember little of the show except for the music. The same instrumental piece was played over and over as background music by the magician so I've never been sure if I liked it because of this repetition or because it was memorable because it's simply a good tune. In any case, at the time, I liked it so much I spoke to the magician after his show and despite both knowing nothing in the other's language, I managed to get across to him that I liked 'his' background music and what was it called.

He wrote the song name down on the back of a playing card he'd used in the show (so I hope he replaced it before his next show !!) and I still have that card to this day. The name of the song was Ballade Pour Adeline and the next day I went off to the local music stores to track it down. After quite a search, I found a copy as a single with it's middle missing which meant it had been used in a jukebox. I didn't care and after handing over a few pesetas, the copy was mine.

But now we come to the mystery.

That was in July 1972. Yet having read details about the song online, it wasn't officially recorded until 1976. Something obviously doesn't add up but I'd put my mortgage (if I had one) on buying that copy 4 years before it was recorded ! A demo version ? Donno but I do know that the official release is exactly the same as my copy.

Prior to winning the right to record this tune from 20 other pianists, 23 yr old Clayderman was known as Philippe Pages but he must've known that the recording would bring success and fame and so he wanted his name to be easier to pronounces outside of his native France. And succeed it did, selling 22 million copies in 38 countries. I wonder if my 'early' copy was counted ?

I've spent some time today looking around my house for that copy as I'd kept it with my small collection of singles mostly bought during my school years. But sad to say I've not found the singles and may have thrown them in the bin when decluttering my house a few years ago. I decided that downsizing took precedence over sentimentality and so, in the bin they probably went.

And so I have no physical proof that my copy of Ballade Pour Adeline was somehow created prior to 1976. I'm not even sure if, with the middle part missing, there would've been any proof anyway as that's where the recording information tended to be.

Music helps me remember so many times and events in my life and whenever I hear this song, I'm taken back to that very first foreign holiday in Majorca. I've not found a very good video version online and I don't want to just insert an audio version here. You really need to see the man in action ! So a bit dull as it is to watch now and in fairly low and fuzzy quality, here is Richard Clayderman performing his most successful recording back in 1984.........Bobby Crush, eat your heart out !

Licence to Kill

Anyone know where I can get one - cause I'm so pissed off I could spit.

Ok a bit of background.

In the UK, the BBC gets its revenue from the fact that every household with a television, or any device that is capable of receiving television reception, has to have a tv licence. This funding means the BBC doesn't need advertising during its broadcasts which is very nice indeed.

But the licence costs £145.50 a year so a lot of people try and get away without buying one and over the years this has caused the licencing company to develop more and more advanced methods for catching them. The most widely used method is for them to use 'detector vans' to cruise around seeking out households watching TV with no licence and so sophisticated are they that they can even tell what channel you're watching.

But how do they know in advance which households haven't got licences ? Well for a start, every time you buy a TV, your details are passed to the licencing company. Over the years they have therefore built up a database of every household in the UK and whether or not they have a device capable of receiving television and this is where 'the problem' arises.

I may be demonising this database and its developers but in my mind anyway, based on years of experience, it simply isn't programmed to deal with a household that can exist in the UK without a licence and like some sort of avenging megabot, it's doing its best to rectify that situation.

For the last 10 years I've rung them before going to America for 6 months to inform them that I'll be away, no one will be in my house and can my licence be cancelled and a refund paid into my bank account for the unused months (I pay annually as I'm never sure if and when I'll be returning to America at the time of starting up the licence again).

Despite doing this and the refund appearing in my account a few days later, I always find a series of letters from them on my return. These are always addressed to 'The Occupier" and start mildly enough with a note that according to their records, I have no licence and what to do about it to avoid a fat penalty. As time, and these letters, go by, the tone gets more and more threatening and finally, after 4 or 5 months, the letter says someone will call at my house. Several times over the last decade (upon my return) I've found that someone HAS called at my house and left a note along the lines of "we told you we'd call so get a licence or else......."

I have rung them so many times to complain about all this but always come up against a woman who sounds like she's polishing her nails whilst talking to me. She always tells me that as long as correspondence from them is sent to "The Occupier" and not my name, then I can ignore it.

"So why send these letters when I've told you I'm not at home ?"

"It's the computer. It sends out letters to every house without a licence. Just ignore them."

"What a waste of resources and paper. Surely it can be programmed to deal with this ?"

"It's the computer. It sends out letters to every house without a licence. Just ignore them."

"I don't appreciate threatening letters AND someone coming to my house to hand deliver an even more threatening note."

"It's the computer. It........."

Click.

As they have no freephone number and have a website designed to not make it easy to email them, I'm left to accept this situation and I donno why it makes me so mad, but it does.

This year I've experienced a new twist. Yes I got the letters, although only 3 this time. No caller. Things getting better maybe ? Not a bit of it.

My first task on my return was to go online and get a new licence. No problem. Credit card....sorted. Got an email linking me to my new licence which I could print off if I wanted. No need, so that was it.

A week later, got a warning letter to "The Occupier". Our records show....etc etc.

WTF ????? I HAVE A LICENCE.

So I ignored it of course.

Yesterday I was sitting watching the telle when a flyer type item was posted through my letter box. It wasn't pushed right through and so dangled part way in....another thing that pisses me off. As the postman had already been, I assumed it was a flyer for some local takeaway as I've been getting a ton of those recently. I never saw the deliverer as he went on down the street out of my view from my chair.

An hour later I was up and went to get the 'post' and saw this on the front..........

WTF x 2 ???

So this is what happens when someone calls. No knock. No fancy instrumentation proving I'm watching tv. And obviously no clue I've a licence !!! Just some low paid leaflet deliverer who is "only following orders, mate."

So that's why I'm pissed. I get letters when I haven't got a licence but have told them no one is here for 6 months. I'm now getting letters and callers despite HAVING a licence !

I know this isn't a battle I'm ever going to win as the TV licencing lot are obviously lazy, incompetent idiots who see no need to change their procedures. I was a computer analyst for most of my 27 year IT career and know it's not rocket science to update programs to make better use of the information held in databases. If this was done, they'd be able to factor in households that may have a television, but no residents for a period of time. Thousands of retired people leave the UK for winter like me. The paid for licence period could then be suspended and reactivated upon the resident's return to the house. No need for a refund.

Simples.

Will they do it ? No.

Would it save money if they did ? Absolutely. Paper, postage and person.

Ironically I rarely watch a BBC station but when I do these days, the red mist begins to fall. No doubt, as in previous years, these feelings will subside as time goes by.

Unless the letters continue to arrive, that is. And if someone, low paid or not, drops another of those leaflets through my letter box, I'll follow the example of Mr. Burns......

"RELEASE THE HOUNDS"

The Power Of Positive Thinking

Today the weather is gloomy, cold and very windy and as I had a well dodgy curry last night, I feel much the same. Over the past week when I've headed upstairs to bed, I've told myself that in the morning, I'll get out and do something in the fresh air and then I wake up and face weather like this.....overcast, usually rainy, cold and windy.

Right now the trees are bending dramatically and heavy rain is lashing the house due to VERY strong winds. I miss Florida !

In an effort to cheer myself up, I'm planning trips. Hopefully warm and sunny trips....even though three of them so far are still in the UK. A weekend in the Lake District, a few days in Wales and a week in Northern Ireland.

I haven't been to Norn Iron since my mum's funeral in 2003 and never went over much before then anyway. But absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that good stuff and these days, I'm looking forward to showing off the beautiful parts of the country to my friends.

Having spent almost all of my non UK time in America since 1989, I've done very little exploring in Europe. So over the last couple of years, we've gone across that somewhat smaller pond to do a bit of touring there too. Holland, Belgium, France and Italy have all been toured and conquered (Ha ! Take that Caesar. Payback's a bitch) and this summer we plan on driving down through France again but this time touring mostly in Northern Spain.

An ex ASDA/IBM work colleague has a restaurant south east of Perpignan and just over the Spanish border so as our route to Barcelona would take us very close, it'll be a great opportunity to pop in for a meal and a catch up. I've always wanted to visit Barcelona but I'm not a city person as such and so I'm more looking forward to exploring the Spanish countryside and small villages. Our trip around Tuscany in 2009 set the bar very high but despite knowing nothing about Northern Spain, I have high hopes for that region too.

I took a blog writing break there to fix a late lunch and it would appear that all this talk of holidays has had an effect on the weather here too. It's a lot brighter now, the wind has died down, the rain has stopped and there is actually sunshine. Maybe I'll be able to put last night's plans into action after all.

The power of positive thinking.....or holiday planning at least.

Rapture ? It Could Really Happen !!

In keeping with my previous posts mentioning Susan Boyle, Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson in their titles, I've decided once again to try and garner more new visitors by putting today's most trending word into this title......Rapture.

Adding the slightly alarmist and controversial bit afterwards can only help too. Yes I really am such a slave to readership statistics !

So what's this Rapture malarky all about then ? Well for anyone who doesn't know about the importance of today's date in Rapture history, nip off to Google and do a quick search. You'll find that adding "Harold Camping" to the search criteria will help enormously.

Now that we're all on the same page, is it likely to happen ? Who knows. Certainly not Harold Camping as he's had one go at guessing the "End Of Everything" date already. His idea seems to be that if you get it wrong, you just pick another date and so sometime tomorrow morning we can expect news from his Californian home that the 200 million chosen ones can stand down and unpack. He'll email The National Enquirer with the new date in due course.

I think the fact that he lives in California speaks volumes about the validity of his prediction. And we'll probably learn that he was downwind at Woodstock and so can't really be trusted about anything he's said since then. Anyway as the recent governor of that state has proved, you just can't trust anyone there.

Oh get me being current !!

Of course there is even disagreement among (or amongst) those who believe in the details of a second coming. One event or two ? One event with two stages ? And just where do I stand on this topic ?

Well you may not know this, but I'm not a dispensationalist premillennialist. Too many rules and I found the mask chafed. That's not to say I'm an amillennialist either. Didn't like their initiation rites for a start and it was just too far to drive for the weekly meetings.

So I guess I'm a disbelievalist. I know....just made that one up. I don't believe in Rapture and even less in anyone alive today knowing when it will be.

But if religious history has shown us anything, it's that there will always be post Woodstock nutters who are prepared to stand up and be counted. Counted as nutters that is. Just how these people attract followers is beyond me but then I'm not from California.......or Utah for that matter. I suspect that those who follow the likes of Camping and also join religious sects are the same people who buy as-seen-on-tv items and believe in UFO's.

Why they get media attention is also beyond me but then that is the kind of world we live in now. A normal everyday hard working person may occasionally get 15 minutes of fame but the religious nutter who claims he has the exact date of the second coming gets more media coverage than Paris Hilton.

(I've found I get extra readers if I mention her name too. Sorry.)

So when tomorrow follows today and we're all (mostly) still here, what can we learn ?

Well to not give Harold Camping and anyone like him any more coverage for one thing and then if he falls over in that forest, no one will hear him or care less.

As for Rapture, well the jury is still out on that one. The Earth definitely has a 'use by' date because when our sun packs in, so does the Earth. That'll be in a few billion years so I'm not too worried on a personal level.

What does worry me is that it leaves more than enough time for Rapture merchants to pick plenty more dates for the event. Going down the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"route, I'd like to put forward 25th June 2052 as a good date for the next Rapture watch.

I'll be 100 and probably more than ready for it.

Salmon Rush Day

Enough already. I'm fed up having senior moments. I should have grown out of them by now !

This morning I decided to have salmon for my supper and having made that decision, I simply moved on to other things and thought no more about it. Why not ? Well because all my salmon portions are solid blocks in the freezer, that's why not ! I should've taken a portion out to defrost.

When it got to 4pm and once again my mind, and my stomach, focused on supper, it suddenly hit me.

"You prat....you never got the salmon out to defrost" I said to myself.

Ok so I also talk to myself but it doesn't matter as I never listen.

I never like to defrost food in the microwave as with its ability to cook from the inside out, it's just not the best way. Especially not good for a 'delicate' food item like salmon. So over the years I've developed a relatively fast and acceptable method of defrosting small portions of frozen food.

It's called The Front Porch Method but works equally well with a lanai, extension or even a greenhouse although that might provide too much power for a small portion of food. I think you should reserve greenhouse power for large joints of meat like a leg of lamb or something !

The method is simplicity itself. Place the frozen food item on a plate and leave it in the porch/lanai etc. Add sun and leave for a couple of hours, turning frequently. Once the item bends, it's done.

The downside to needing to use this defrosting method in England is that the power source isn't often available. Solar power is a strange and wonderful foreign concept to us and with good reason.

But a closed porch does have a secret weapon that can be utilised at times when the sun isn't playing ball. By mid afternoon, if the inside door hasn't been opened, it is still a lot warmer than any other part of a house even on a cloudy day.

Without the sun though, you may be struggling to have your food ready for supper so getting it into the porch in time becomes even more important. On a cloudy day with only 2 hours to go, you'd better have a plan B or at least have the local Chinese takeaway on speed dial.

As the sun hits the front of my house just after 1pm and today has been a sunny day, at 4pm my porch was nicely pre heated and ready to accept the frozen salmon portion.

I've just checked it and after barely an hour, some flexibility is there already and I'm confident it will be totally defrosted by supper time.

Then, with some new potatoes, processed peas and a wedge of lemon, once again I'll be able to enjoy my porched salmon.

(always go out with a laugh.....or a groan !)

Catching A Cold.

Don't worry, you won't get a virus from this blog post as the "cold" I'm talking about isn't THAT sort of cold.

I'm talking cold calls and cold callers.

Ah yes, I've struck a chord with most of you. We hate them and yet they still exist. Why ? Well like other pests we'd love to see eradicated, from Paris Hilton and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson to anyone who does double glazing ads on tv, they seem impervious to our attempts and will probably be around long after those other infamous survivors, cockroaches, have finally given in to extinction.

We register our phone numbers with agencies that cheerfully assure us this will stop cold calling but you can be pretty sure that if you get a call from an unknown number on a weekday between 6pm and 8pm, it will either be a wrong number or else he or she is a dreaded cold caller who has slipped under or over the agency firewall.

What do these people want ? Why do they do this job, a job more hated than those of estate agents and traffic wardens combined ?

I donno. I don't think I've ever actually listened to one to find out. Oh I've asked them to tell me but then I've placed the phone down and gone off to do something more interesting in the kitchen for a while. Sometimes they're still talking when I return which either makes them incredibly desperate - like a Jehovah's Witness who actually gets invited in - or else they are too dumb to break into their spiel to notice there isn't anyone with a pulse at the other end. If I'm bored, I've deliberately returned to the phone and said "uh-huh.....uh-huh" a few times and then left again. It's a fun game.

I particularly hate it when they can't even get my name right. I'm not worried anymore that they even KNOW my name as in this digital day and age, it's not hard to find out my name and where I live. Well except for my postman it seems but he compensates by often delivering my neighbour's post to me so fair enough.

So when someone, with or without a foreign accent, calls at 7pm and starts by stumbling over my name and finally asks if the bastardised version they've ended up with is me, I have many responses depending on my mood at the time. Hearing lots of other phone conversations going on in the background never helps my mood but at least it helps confirm that the caller isn't ringing to invite me for a meal or a movie and then back to his or her house for a coffee.

I do like it when they immediately give you an 'out.'

Ring, ring........

"Oh good evening...is that Mr. ahhh..ummm...mumble, splutter, what-sort-of-fucking-name-is-this-anyway xxxxxxxx ?"

"Well if you got it right it might be. Why ?

"Well I'm Dave and how are you this evening ?"

"I'm just fine and bless your heart for ringing me to find out."

Click.

Does anyone EVER say...."oh lovely to hear from you. Tell me all about your product/service and I might be interested ?"

No.

And then we have what Americans don't have - cold callers who actually call.......at your door.

It's one thing to see them coming up the driveway with clipboards or a bag of leaflets as you can always just ignore them and they'll have to go away. But you can't be looking out the window all the time and so often only know they are there when they knock. And then you open the door to clipboard man or woman or even worse, identity badge man or woman.

ID badge callers try to give off an air of importance by flashing their usually home made badges at you but in such a way that even a supermarket barcode scanner would be hard pushed to read it. They're talking in your face at the same time so you donno where to look and so the badge, legit or not, has gone back before you can say "get off my doormat."

The worst lot by far, are those who may or may not be 'working in your area' doing anything from hedge trimming to chimney sweeping and are prepared to offer you a great deal if you want your chimney trimmed today. Often these deals are offered in a broad Irish accent and the caller looks and smells like he's not had water on his body since Ireland used punts.

And when you tell them you'll think about it and ask for their business card, they conveniently never seem to have one left on them. Sadly, after a sobering personal experience, my rule now is NEVER to consider ANY offer from ANYONE cold calling at my house. If I want to shove a kid up my chimney, I'll find my own thank you very much.

If the Pope called to sell me a subscription to Childminding Weekly, I'd close the door.

If Jensen Button turned up offering to drive me to Sainsbury's, door close.

If Pamela Anderson turned up to.....well you get the idea.

No, no, no. Cold callers on the phone ? Not interested. At the door ? Even less interested.

But stopping both is the bane of my life. Cancelling my land line would solve the phone issue but that's a bit like overkill - despite me not needing it due to having a cell/mobile. I actually need it to get me a discount on my cable and internet. Go figure.

As for the personal visits....well I'm considering locating a vat of boiling oil in the room above the door as it seemed a valid way of repulsing intruders back in the day. And as we're always told that an Englishman's home is his castle, that solution has a nice ring to it.

Now where is an Irish Jehovah's Witness selling double glazing when you want one ?

Cleaning Is A Dirty Word

I've been back home 5 days and my suitcases are still on the living room settee.

It's the same every year. I tend to do very little the first week back and that includes unpacking. It must have been different in my working days but after being retired for almost 10 years, I've forgotten those days !

I'm sure the first priority for most people returning after a holiday would be to do the laundry. Not for me. My checked case WAS full of clothes but all of it clean. Just needs to be put away.

No my workload on returning is somewhat different and involves work I hate to even think about doing, never mind actually doing. Actions like cleaning, dusting and vacuuming don't come easy to me at any time and certainly not after being in Florida for 6 months. It needs to be done but I'm an award winning procrastinator so it'll just have to be done when it's done. I have cleaned the kitchen already and that took several hours as, once again, I forgot to put my daily utensils and cutlery away before I left and so they were 'coated' with 6 months of neglect, shall we say. Everything had to be washed and once you start, it doesn't end till the whole kitchen is sparkling again. Worktops, tiles, units.....you name it, it got cleaned.

So of course after that, I had to take a rest from work and I'm still resting ! I did make more progress this morning.......took all my clothes out of the big case and placed them on another part of the settee. In fact I've emptied the whole case and hey, despite nothing being actually put away, I've an empty suitcase on the settee now. That's progress.

My fridge/freezer is almost empty so a trip to Costco is planned for this afternoon where I'll stock up on bulk items. This will be an expensive business but in the past, the frozen food I get lasts me until I leave for Florida again.

As I'm not planning on returning, that won't be the case today. My last winter in the UK was in 2003 and I think for various reasons that I won't go into here, I'm ready to try it again. Yes it'll be cold, maybe with snow but vive la difference and all that. If I miss warmer weather, I could always winter with the other retirees on the Costa Del Seniors in Spain. Too many Brits for my taste though so probably not.

But first Daffy and I are off to The Queens Arms for a spot of buffet lunch. I've already had my fish and chips and Chinese takeaway and this will be the next on my bucket list of gastronomic delights that I miss when in America.

A good old British carvery in a good old British pub.

Home may not be where my heart is, but right now my stomach is happy to be here.

Driving To Florida ? Why Not !?

Greetings from not so sunny and certainly not so warm Leeds, England. In fact right now, it's pouring down and 57F outside.

But it's home.

Mind you, since returning I've had a few problems; turning on the water caused a flood in the loft thanks to a hole in the pipe leading to the hot water tank. It poured down into the middle bedroom like a vertical tsunami but by dashing down to the stopcock like an aged Usain Bolt and turning off the water supply, not too much damage was actually done. A friend then came over and mended the pipe and water flowed to the tank again.

Sadly that wasn't the end of the water related issues as this morning I couldn't use the shower pump so I guess air got into the pipework and the motor wasn't happy dealing with air rather than water and decided to pack up. I still have a bath so I can still be clean until such time as the pump bursts (unfortunate choice of verb there) back into action or gets replaced. Hopefully the former and hopefully very soon.

Last night, being a wuss, I turned on the electric blankie to warm up the bed. I'd been up for 34 hrs by then so when my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. This wasn't good really as a few hours later I woke up thinking the pipe had burst again as I was feeling a bit moist ! No such drama and it was simply that the electric blankie had been slowly broiling me and I was just covered in bodily fluids.

TMI, I know.

Off went the blankie and I slept like a log (why DO we use that expression ??) till 7:30am when it was time to get up and take the car for its annual service and test so it could be taxed. All cars here over 3 years old must be tested and just about every part gets checked out. After passing, I took it to be taxed and so now it's all legal again and I don't need to duck below the wheel when a police car approaches.

Over the next few days I'll be trying to remove 6 months of dust from everything and everywhere - oh ok, maybe 7 or 8 months worth as I'm not really very house proud. Lets face it, as long as the fridge, cooker and tv work and I have water, food and the internet, I'm pretty much sorted here. Dusting, polishing and vacuuming generally take a back seat......a very far back and usually dusty back seat. Priorities y'know.

Oh and whoever tells you that dust is just dead skin that's fallen off the human body, well my house has been empty for 6 months and it has lots of dust.

Florida seems a long way away right now. And that reminds me............

When chatting with the kid (19 years old) in the car dealership this afternoon, he was very interested in my life in Florida. He asked lots of questions and when I said I'd love to have my little Renault Clio over there, I couldn't quite believe what he said next.

"So can't you drive it over there ?"

My brow furrowed. Maybe he didn't mean what I thought he meant ! Then as if to remove all doubt, he added........

"Or could you take a ferry ?"

I spluttered. I really did.

I said "to Florida ? Florida in America ?"

He then asked how far it was by plane and I said 8 hrs.

"Oh" he said. "And how far in distance ?"

"Well by plane it's 4300 miles"

"Oh" he said "I didn't know it was THAT far"

Now I could've overlooked his lack of detailed knowledge about the distance and flight time but how on earth he thought I could drive there is just beyond me. And a ferry ?

Well it gave me a laugh anyway and added to my thinking over the last 24 hrs. That no matter how badly off you think you are, there is always someone worse off.

And I think I found him this afternoon - he just doesn't know it yet !