It's not been a normal Monday morning for yours truely. Oh no.
I'd been up till 4am watching the Super Bowl (go Colts) and then had to be up in time to get to the dentist at 10:30am. Yes a morning appointment ! What possessed me to make a morning appointment ??? It probably seemed like a good idea back in July - "this will get me up early on a beautiful crisp winter's morning" I may have told myself.
Note to self : NEVER make a winter appointment in high summer as the heat obviously affects the thinking process.
As it happens, once the shock of getting up 5 hours after going to bed had worn off, it WAS a wonderful crisp winter's morning - but I just wanted to be back in bed !
The visit was painless enough but I still miss my old dentist who was kind and gentle with my oral imperfections. I'd been with him for about 17 years when he announced last year that he was retiring in stages (no, not bodily stages you silly reader) and was only going to be working a couple of days a week. I was duly passed on to another dentist and lets just say sadism is alive and well and working in north Leeds.
I found myself lying (through my teeth as my mouth was full of implements) when asked if I'd been using those little pokey things that dentists want you to shove between your teeth down at gum level. I hate them as they make my gums bleed and I don't really think I want gaps down there anyway. Let those holes fill up with that nice plaque stuff I say. Feels nicer when the tongue slides over them.
So I said I used them a few times a week and the dentist said....."well they're working as there is much less plaque this time. Well done" !! I gave a toothy grin and said "thuarranque" or something like that. Why DO they ask you questions when you have a ton of metal bits and two hands inside your mouth ???
Anyway it was all over in 20 minutes and I was sent on my way with praise ringing in my ears and my teeth sparkling in a glass.
The sunshine and clear blue sky tempted me to stay out and I decided to go shopping to Sainsburys even though I only wanted a few items and none of them were basics that were needed today. I hoped that the store would be somehow different than last time and that my shopping experience would be better all round as I wasn't jet lagged anymore AND I knew what to expect this time.
Sadly it was not to be. Ok a few things were better. There were less customers as last time I'd gone on a Saturday evening. There were a few less staff out filling shelves and therefore less of them getting in the way with their trolleys blocking the aisles. Come to think of it, those were the only two things better.
I started with the new stationery section as I needed a 2007 diary and as it's February, my choices are limited. I get the same brand every year but that means a trip into Leeds and that's too much hassle right now. They didn't have any. Well they had those personal organisers that require you to have a briefcase to carry them around in and I'm afraid Filofax and yuppies ruined the idea of them for me years ago.
But I thought.....ok, it's cheap enough and I DO need a diary so what the heck. I plopped one in my trolley and sped off. I was in the fresh fruit aisle trying to decide if a 21p golden delicious was really that price because they'd put a gold treat inside it somewhere when I had second thoughts about the organiser. What about next year ? The whole point of these things is they take refils so you only have that initial expense....initially ! But I'd seen no refills.
I went to customer services where the two girls were telling each other what they'd done at the weekend and I became a helpless evesdropper as they had their backs to me and were presumably 'on a break' or something. I coughed and got their attention and I asked about refills. One went off to ask a supervisor and came back to inform me that I could get them from Boots......or WH Smiths........in town !! Great. I said the point of getting a diary/organiser here was to avoid going into town. The girl smiled absently and said "well you can get the bus into town just outside here and it'll be free for you" !!! WHAT ???!!!!!
I'll be wearing my baseball cap the next time I shop at Sainsburys. Young whippersnappers.
In a huff, I shuffled off with my trolley with newly leaden legs (mine that is, the trolley had leaden wheels though) and half way down one aisle and heading towards the deli counter it hit me. Smelly Aisle Syndrome !! Now I'd been warned about this in a post from my fellow blogger (ess) Daphne, but I'd somehow missed it on my previous trip. Everything she'd said was true. I think Grissom (CSI) or that cutie from Bones needs to investigate as something is well out of whack there. It's awful and follows you to the next aisle like some sort of nasty clinging atmospheric best buddy. Someone HAS to be missing a loved one or a pet or something that used to be a living, breathing creature. Actually it must be twins as the smell comes back further down in aisle 12 too. Could be another part of the same body I suppose. I'll ask my Mafia friend if they did any 'work' in the area late last year.
I was still reeling from the smell when I was accosted by a girl who sprang out of nowhere (well from her kiosk at the end of aisle 11 actually) and said something so fast I didn't catch the start of it. She had her hand to her ear in classic phone mime with her pinkie at her mouth and her thumb to her ear and asked me which land line phone company I was with ? I don't know about you, but that question is pretty straightforward and unambiguous and I didn't feel that I needed a mime of a telephone to add anything to it. Maybe it was this that caused me to lie again. Maybe it was that I don't like being sprung at - even by a pretty girl - when shopping. Maybe it was that I was still getting over the effects of the decomposition special offers on aisles 6 and 12 (BOGOFF never was so apt).
Whatever the reason, I heard myself lie and tell her I didn't have a land line and just used a mobile. She moved on to pounce on some other innocent.
Two brazen lies in one morning. There will be hell to pay....and probably visit.
I got my few purchases and headed for the checkouts. The lady there had a badge with a large 21 on it and some text which I took to be some sort of birthday blurb. It seemed a free offer to peer more closely at her chest area......so I did. She made eye contact and stuck out her chest even more and she seemed to know what I'd been thinking. God I hope not ! "Oh no I'm not 21" she giggled. By then I'd read the text and it just said she wasn't allowed to sell ciggies to anyone under the age of 21. As she was middle aged, I'm not sure why she thought I'd mistaken the badge for anything else but after my sobering incident at customer services, I kept my ageist thoughts to myself.
I rushed home for a strong mug of tea and a chocolate digestive.
Shopping might be good exercise and good for your health........but it can be brutal on your ego and absolute murder on your nostrils.