ALMS v ALMS

Last weekend we had the annual 'world famous' 12hrs of Sebring race just a couple of miles away at the Sebring International Raceway. This is a televised event with various classes of cars all on the track at the same time and as a result, it makes for exciting racing with lots of overtaking and not a few incidents. It comes under the heading of the first race of the ALMS season, that's the American LeMans Series to you and me. Good stuff.

Ok moving forward to yesterday and a group of us went a few miles further north to Avon Park to watch some more ALMS racing......only this time it came under the banner of a slightly less well known ALMS - the American Lawn Mower Series.

And rather than an International Raceway, it was held at the wonderfully named Avon Park Mowerplex.

I know. I don't care who you are, that's funny. Lawn mower racing !

This turned out to be racing at its grass roots (ok if you're going to start groaning at these, you'd better stop reading now) and after paying our $5 entry fees and picking out good vantage points on the somewhat ricketty bleachers, we settled down to watch the action and hopefully see lots of overtaking, drifting and drivers cutting each other up.

Groan away, I don't care.

Well we had to wait a while as we got there an hour before the first race was due to start. This gave me plenty of time to take in the impressive track and the first port of call was the starters box.

It may have resembled a glorified pigeon loft on stilts but it served its purpose, letting the racers see the various flags being waved and its open construction allowed the winners of the various races to be presented with the checkered flag so he (or she) could do a lap of honour with it. I'm tellin' ya.....grass roots racing.

At the appointed start time of 6pm we were informed over the PA system (ok a guy with a hand held mic that faded out if he moved more than 20ft from the control box) that things would be delayed as his granddaughter who was to sing the national anthem hadn't turned up yet !

Probably still doing her homework !

It seems that just about any public event here starts with a rendition of the national anthem and this was to be no exception.

We were entertained by the lawnmowers and their riders coming out onto the track for a bit of a practice a few at a time and so when the racing DID start, we'd seen all the competitors already and the novelty factor had passed.

Actually the first race took us all by surprise as by the time we realised it WAS a race and not just a few warm up laps, the checkered flag was waved and it was all over. This was because the mowers only used part of the full course and being small engined machines, they didn't go much faster than your standard lawnmower. No one told us what was going on and so what we thought were a few laps to get the mowers set up for an eventual rolling start....well those not very exciting laps were racing laps !

Even so, the race was won by the mower that was the pace 'car' for the other races so I think that was a bit unfair as it had to have had a souped up engine under the hood. It still looked adorable and the old white bearded guy riding it only added to the comedic effect. Actually they didn't move much faster than in this STILL photo !

The rest of the races were for different classes of mowers (JP, SP, AP, CP, BP etc) and used the full course. These were much more exciting races but given the narrowness of the course, passing was very difficult and usually the mowers simply went round and round in a procession.

There were 2 others teams represented at the races last evening. As well as the local Avon Park mowers, there was a team from the Space Coast Sod Slingers and a NASGRASS (not to be confused with NASCAR which, although an easy mistake to make, is a slightly different association entirely) team from Ft. Myers I think. NASGRASS is the North American Society of Grass Racers and Sod Slingers.

I know you wanted to know that. Educational blog and all that.

A couple of racing machines stood out for me and deserve being singled out with their own photo. One was a brightly coloured mower with the expression "Git R Done" emblazoned on the front. This is the well known catch phrase of comedian Daniel Lawrence Whitney, better known by his stage name, Larry The Cable Guy.

This has a tie in with the other mower I liked as Larry provided the voice of the tow truck "Mater" in the Pixar animated movie Cars and the soon to be released sequel, Cars 2, and this mower was designed to look as much like Mater the tow truck as a mower can be.

Hilarious.

Some mowers were pretty fast and would drift impressively around the corners, kicking up plenty of dry dirt in the process.

Before the racing began and at the half time interval, a water truck went around the track several times in an attempt to moisten the bone dry surface for the benefit of drivers and spectators alike.

Given the heat, it didn't help much and all the riders were covered in red dirt by race end.

There was no real need for an interval except to give the concession stand more opportunity to sell food items and it did a roaring trade all evening. There was time for many of the local kids to take part in hand pushed lawn mower racing 3 at a time around the short course and this kept them happy for 30 minutes or so.

By the time the proper racing started up again, darkness had fallen and despite the activation of a few light clusters, it was very hard for action photography.

These next few photos have been heavily edited using Photoshop as originally, they were so dark that details were hard to spot.

After each of these races, prizes were given out to the top 3 and hard as it was to see, this edited photo shows one winner raising up his trophy which is more than we could see with the naked eye. Yes you recognise who it was !

Then we had the IMOW (don't ask) feature race which was by far, the longest race of the evening. However, with 5 laps remaining, mower #46 (Git R Done) was involved in a nasty accident with mower #6 and one rider went over the front of his mower into the safety tire wall.

What followed was very impressive. The race was stopped and stewards, other riders and basically anyone nearby rushed to help. Seconds later the standby rescue vehicle was on the spot and I assume it was manned by medical personnel of some kind.

It was all taking place on the far side of the track and due to the darkness, my zoom lens was unable to get much to focus on. Again this photo has been severely edited to bring up what little detail there was but it shows a driver on the ground and his mower on its side.

We were informed that no one had been hurt and this news was greeted by a round of applause from those of us in the bleachers and those in line at the concession stand.

By now it was clear it would take some time to get the race restarted and to be honest, we'd all had enough and were starving anyway. It was way past supper time and we had a date with a table for 7 at Mi Rancho Mexican restaurant in Sebring so we packed up and left.

On the way to the cars, I put the camera on a fence post and took a 10 sec exposure shot looking back at the track. There were 2 stationery mowers in the foreground (their drivers were still over at the accident location) but I think it shows just how dark it was by then.

All in all it was a good laugh and a good evening out with friends......but once was enough and I'd never want to go again.

Mower racing may have started almost 40 years ago in England but this is one of our sports that I'm happy to have passed on to America. Somehow it seems more 'at home' here and with mowers like Git R Done and Mater taking part, the sport should provide plenty of evenings of family fun for decades to come.

If I could ever adapt my hover mower, I could be onto a winner !

A Hui Hou Kakou

Today was annual 'raver' day in very sunny Buttonwood Bay.

This was the day when the park owners and management thanked us residents who have put up with their numerous rules and regulati.........opps......better not upset anyone here as I'd like to come back. Lets try this again.........

This was the day we residents let the park owners and management lay on free food, drink and entertainment to thank us for being jolly nice people who they'd like to see return year after year or, in the case of year round residents already, remain here for ever and ever.

Amen.

Over the next few days, the snowbirds will be leaving the park to return to their northern homes (6 more weeks in my case) and so this was a sort of "thank you and farewell till we see you next winter" type bash.

So once again, down in the glade by the lake, things were stirring, and with a luau being the theme this year, things were of an Hawaiian nature. Yes, despite being almost 5,000 miles and 6 time zones away, a little bit of the Pacific came to us today and no one was complaining.



Around 1200 tickets had been issued and judging by the line for the food, it seemed like everyone had turned up.



Considering such numbers, the meal had to be basic. Hot dogs with all the toppings, chips, cookies and frozen sorbet for dessert. Drink, both soda and beer, were free flowing and you just helped yourself as often as you liked. So I did.

The park management and staff did the serving and grunt work and a fine job they made of it. Dennis helped with the hotdog grilling and probably never wants to see another one for a long time.


Debby was handing out the plates and the 'goody' bags containing the cutlery, chips and cookies.


This went on for about 3 hours and finally everyone had passed by at least once and it was time for seconds....and then thirds. There was certainly no shortage of food and drink and if anyone left hungry and/or thirsty, they only had themselves to blame. By the very end, in fact, pitchers of beer and goody bags were being taken out to anyone left in the area......they didn't even have to move.


But I've jumped ahead as usual.

By the time I got there at noon, the luau was in full swing and the entertainment was about to begin. We'd all been lei'd when we'd entered the area (!) and most people had tossed aside the mothballs and brought out the brightest, loudest, most Hawaiian looking tops they could find in their closets. The sun was blazing down, the palm fronds were gently swaying in the lake side breeze and if you'd closed your eyes, the sounds alone would've convinced you you were in Hawaii. Glorious.





Some grass skirts were on display but again, this being a family blog, I'll keep those images to myself. At least until money changes hands. Oh wait, here is a 'clean' one that can be published.....


The entertainment was awesome. Numerous costume changes led us to believe dozens of dancers had been hired when in reality, I think there were only 5 or 6 girls and 2 or 3 boys. I'm not sure myself as I never saw them together.













And before any sharp eyed reader comments on a non Hawaiian 'act' in there, that was part of a story in dance around other Hawaiian type islands and so New Zealand was included.

There were plenty of opportunities for audience participation and if it's one thing I've learned about life in this park, it's that you need to step aside sharpish when the cry goes up for volunteers from the audience !!






By 3pm the main entertainment was over but few people left. As I said earlier, food and drink was still available and the music played on.


The Hawaiian Dance Formation Team also stayed around for a while so everyone could have their photos taken of them and with them. Old male (and probably female) hands were a blur as residents got themselves between the very attractive young dancers and posed for photos that are sure to be deleted when seen by their better halves !

Ever the professional, I contented myself by just taking photos OF them and here are a few, ending with my favourite.




So a grand time was had by all. Well I say that but what do I know. I had a grand time anyway. What wasn't to like ? Free food, free drink, free (very attractive) entertainment and the park was at its very best. Add in clear blue skies and hot sunny weather and yes, it was just about perfect.

What would have made it totally perfect ? Free jaffa cakes of course.

Maybe next year.

A huge thank you goes out to the Buttonwood Bay management and staff who put on this wonderful event again. The organisation and hard work put in by you all is much appreciated by this snowbird.

A Developing Story

I was chatting online with my Eastern European gardener this morning (hard to get true blue staff these days) and when she mentioned that she would email me some photos of her progress, it got me to thinking about all things digital.....in relation to photography.

For some years now, newcomers to photography have never known what it was like to take photos, finish 'the roll', take it to be developed and then, often several days later, pick up the resulting prints.

Ahhhhh such levels of excitement and expectation ! It was like a mini Christmas morning for me every time. What would I get ? Would I like what I'd get ? Would I even get what I'd taken or what some stranger had taken and if so, how exciting would THOSE photos be ??!!

Then there were those times when I'd find a roll down the sides of the sofa and have no idea what might be on it. If there was a little bit sticking out of the canister, then it was unexposed and what joy. Photos still to be taken. No bit sticking out meant the roll had already been exposed and unknown photos were awaiting. Even more joy.

Yes all things were possible. After picking up my prints and checking they WERE actually my prints, then I'd flip quickly through them to count how many of the 24 or 36 had 'come out.' This flip through would also reveal if I'd received the dreaded yellow sticker saying a photo was over or under exposed and so hardly worth printing but in order to give the processing staff a good old laugh and teach me a lesson, they'd printed it anyway. Ohhhh the shame !

Sometimes anger replaced shame as I felt the staff should've known that leaving the lens cap on was a genuine photographic technique which had to be regularly practised to get it just right !

In my little home town of Ballymoney in Norn Iron, I took my filim (sic) to the local chemist for processing. No Supasnaps or Truprint in those sepia days. Usually it took over a week to get the results back and despite knowing this, I'd be in every day to check for them to be ready. What the hell did they do ? One print a day ? Where did they send them ? Mongolia ?

Knowing that every photo cost money and that the wait to see the results took so long certainly focused the mind as well as the camera lens. Many potential shots were lined up in the viewfinder but few were chosen. Many were lined up upside down as well but that's going back even further and was a characteristic of the Box Brownie I started with. The original black box recorder. When I see kids turning their compact cameras and smart phones around to take self portraits and complaining how hard it is, I feel like saying.....try doing THAT with a Box Brownie !

I remember the Brownie shutter being activated via a little metal lever on the side of the box that one moved down and the mechanism made a satisfying click when the lever sprung back up and the photo was taken. Then you knew you'd just spent 5p or whatever it cost per photo and for another 10p each you would see the result sometime the following week.

By the time I went to boarding school, the photographic bug had me gripped. I was over the moon when I discovered the school had a Photographic Society with its own darkroom and phase 2 of my hobby could start.......processing my own filims. Such fun.

The first print I ever developed was sadly consigned to the waste bin many decades ago but, unlike most things, I do remember it. It was a photo of the front of the school church as, with the mountain in the background and the recently completed church brickwork still gleaming in the late summer sunshine, it was a 'must take' Kodak shot. With the filim developed, I lined up the negative in the enlarger and composed the print I wanted. I turned off the enlarger light and in the red glow from the safety light, I removed a sheet of photographic paper from its protective black envelope and placed it carefully on the frame under the enlarger lens.

I flicked the enlarger switch and light flowed from it, through the lens and down onto the paper below.

"One elephant, two elephant, three elephant, four elephant, five elephant............"

(Doesn't everyone count seconds using elephants ??)

Finally after a few more elephants, I flicked off the enlarger light and took a long deep breath. Bathed in a red glow, I picked up the seemingly blank sheet of photographic paper (A4 Matt Bromide or something) and carefully placed it into the shallow bath of developing liquid.....which we in the trade called developer.

I tilted the tray from side to side to slosh the precious liquid over the print and bent closer to watch the miracle unfolding before my very eyes. Small details started to appear as if by magic. Little by little the school church and its surroundings developed until (and herein lies the skill of the DIY developer) I picked the moment when it had developed enough and using a pair of tongs, I quickly whipped it out and into the stop bath which for us, was just a tray of water. This would clear the developer off the print and stop further processing. After a few seconds of swishing the print in the water tray, it would be moved along into a tray of fixing liquid (yes you've guessed it....known as fixer to us professionals) to seal the image so that it could be looked at in proper light without turning black.

Woe betide any print which missed the fixing stage as you'd turn on the main darkroom light and watch as your masterpiece would swiftly morph from a lovely vivid outdoor scene to what looked like a photo of the black hole of Calcutta taken with the lens cap on.....at night. I did this many times.

Of course this description is a memory conceived after many earlier failed attempts to process the perfect print and a few steps have also been left out - I mean this isn't supposed to be a blog post about comprehensive DIY darkroom techniques or anything. But my first successfully developed print was such a thrill that I do remember it well.

Now I was free from having to wait for others to process my filim and develop my prints and even better, I had creative control over which photos TO print and also the ability to enlarge those areas I really wanted.

I'm sure there are still photographers who do all this today. They probably refer working with b&w images too. Me ? Oh I've embraced the digital age in a big way but I've never forgotten my roots. Despite the ability to snap anything and everything and it not costing a penny to see the results, I rarely do so. Unless someone is jumping from a building and just can't wait for me to get to a good vantage point with the sun behind me etc, I still take time over my photos and compose them as if someone else is going to process them. The days of the dreaded yellow sticker may be long gone but I still hate to see a blurred or badly composed shot on my computer. I'm probably overly self critical but I never stop learning and still take great satisfaction from what I regard as a good photo.

These days with so much post processing being possible, my creative juices can still flow despite me sitting comfortably in my armchair and using software products like Photoshop.

But nothing can come close to the thrill of standing in a usually cold damp basement room (easier to make 100% lightproof) watching your photo appearing before you in a tank of developer. The yute of today can scoff at such memories and maybe I'm a photographic snob but when I look at hundreds of photos on Facebook albums showing blurred up close shots of people in bars and at parties where you can just make out a nose hair or a zit on the chin of a friend or see a lamp post or flag pole 'growing' out of someone's head at a tourist site, I have a little sigh and think to myself that if I was printing that image old school, I'd be only too happy to have it bypass the fixer stage !!

Anyway, gotta go.....got a steak on the grill.

95 elephant, 96 elephant, 97 elephant..............

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

This is the title of a show on The Food Network where a fast talking, punk haired guy goes around America visiting these iconic eating places and takes us behind the scenes to see how their signature menu items are prepared. And then he tastes them all !

Considering the composition and size of these speciality items and despite only (seeming) to take a few bites of each one, I'm amazed he's not obese but maybe he spits the food out when the cameras stop rolling or goes into the restroom to.....well you know.

Anyway after last night, I'm in NO position to cast the first stone.....or maraschino cherry.

After a gruelling Sunday afternoon game of golf played out in the mid 80's heat, I was pretty much wrecked yesterday evening. With the temp still above 80F in the house, we didn't fancy cranking up the stove for a meal and so Deb and I went out for supper. I'd actually had something earlier (by now it was 8:30pm) so only wanted a nice dessert but Deb wanted a proper meal as she's not had any supper at all.

The first place along US-27N that we approached was The Sebring Diner which we'd been to twice before and hadn't been impressed. If you checkout the photo on the link, you'll see it certainly LOOKS the part and at night, can almost be seen from space !

As we really wanted fast food in the less usual interpretation of the word, we pulled in. The place is open 24/7 and during the day, you usually have to stand in line for a seat. At almost 9pm last night, there was no such wait and only a few tables were occupied. A good start.

The dessert section of the menu (again see that link above) wasn't exactly comprehensive and after asking what was included in a chocolate float and deciding it wasn't for me, I was persuaded to try the banana split, especially after our server said it would be 'huge.'

Now I usually take size comments with a certain amount of scepticism but when an American server says a food portion will be huge, I'm prepared to be impressed if not totally overwhelmed.

Our orders were taken and while the chef worked on preparing Deb's cheeseburger deluxe ($4.99) with onion rings ($1.79), I watched as our server went behind the long diner counter and got out the ingredients for my split. She worked like one of those assembly line robots that can put together the tricky parts of a car in 20 seconds as her arms were just a blur adding scrumptious sweet item after sweet item to create my dessert.

Slice...went the bananas to form the base.

Gloop...went the generous dollops of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

Plop...went the pineapple and strawberry extras.

Squirt...went the whipped cream on top of each ice cream dollop.

Ooouse...went the chocolate sauce over the whipped cream.

Sprinkle...went the nuts.

Boingg...went the 3 maraschino cherries to top off the delight.

The server came along with this structure and placed it in front of me and immediately I felt like asking for a few more spoons and inviting the other customers to tuck in ! OMG it was huge and all for $4.29.


Thankfully this photo was taken before I started to tuck in as after a few seconds, it looked completely different !

For one thing, I made the mistake of running the spoon ACROSS the dessert to scoop up a little bit of every ingredient and although this worked well in a taste sense, it was a disaster in a construction sense. After a few "runnings", I'd seriously eroded the foundations and the edifice started to slowly collapse towards me. With an undignified splat, my glorious dessert ended up in a muddled heap that although still tasting awesome, lost all of its impressiveness.

At least after that it was much easier to get a spoonful of every ingredient as it was actually harder NOT to.

Deb had a few small spoonfuls but I hold up my hands on this one......I basically ate the lot all by myself. I told myself that it contained one or two of my "5-a-day" intake and I'm still pretty much convinced that in some parallel universe, 3 huge dollops of assorted ice cream with whipped cream, nuts, chocolate sauce and cherries on top HAS to be healthy !

Anyway as far as reviewing this diner is concerned, my dessert was top notch and for the price, was amazing value. From my cardiologist's point of view, maybe not so good

Debs burger wasn't anything to write home about so the jury is still out on this place....although to be fair, it's a diner offering diner food at diner prices !

Receiving that much ice cream and other goodies so late at night, my stomach protested a bit before bedtime.

And as it's now noon the next day and I've had no breakfast AND I'm still not in the least bit hungry, I guess it's been really value for money.

The dessert that just keeps on giving.

Probably a coronary.

Moonshine In The American Deep South

Ok so the title may be a bit misleading as all I want to do is post a photo of the moon as seen just now in normally-sunny-but-now-quite-dark-Buttonwood Bay.

And here it is...............


If you want info about the OTHER moonshine, I'm not yer man.

That is all. Goodnight.

The Long Hot Days Of New Summer

We all know that Florida is a two season state and given the weather recently, we are now in the process of moving from "warm if occasionally cool" summer to "hot and humid and OMG my thong just melted" summer.

We are fast approaching the days when even factor 96 sunblock is as much use as extra virgin olive oil and you step outside your house at your peril. Eggs are self cooking, geckos pass out, birds cry 'oh for fuck sake' and drop from the skies and I, being the racial stereotype that I am, naturally like to go out in the midday sun.

Today, however, I went on my bike.

Ever since that infamous day in Austria (circa 1972) when I rented a bike for the day and came back looking like a member of the lesser known but equally untalented Red Man Group, I've known that bike riding and hot sunny type sun do not mix.

The problem, you see, is that when on a bike and peddling around glorious countryside like Lance Armstrong on steroids (IF such a thing should ever have happened....he adds quickly), one has one's normal good sense about the harmful power of a strong sun diluted by the cool, refreshing air that is fooling one's body and mind into thinking it's really not that hot at all.

Then one stops for a rest and.....SWEET JESUS AND MARY MOTHER OF GOD THE PAIN....THE BURNING......THE FOLDS OF SKIN ON THE TARMAC.......

But I did learn, dear reader, yes I did. Now when it's hot and I want a bike ride, I only stay out for a maximum of 6 hours and I always wear long socks. Shirt and tie ? Nope, not for this rebel !

Anyway today my bike ride was just a few hundred yards to the Cafe on the Lake and I'm sure I'll suffer more in the long term from the large hot dog (with onions) that I purchased than from any effects during my relatively short time in the burning midday sun.

Glancing at the temp display beside me, it's hit 85.8F (29.8888889c) outside......wait.......85F......wait......86.3F.

It's one of those days. One of those lovely days that takes me back to another lovely day when I felt this hot. Cue wavy computer screen and swirly type music as the image changes to.....

My first memory of being hot and out in the sun was at school, boarding school. Being pseudo posh, we had tennis courts and during free time between A Level exams, I loved to get out my club and whack a few shuttlecocks. I still wonder why I was rarely picked for the doubles !

I do remember one occasion when I was on court for some time and finally came off to encounter longer and stranger stares than usual from my fellow students who, during exams, tended to sit out on the grass doing their revising. (It has to be said that grass would play a role in the next few years of their education but I'm not one to judge people).

I got to my room, glanced in the mirror and my balls dropped. Again. I should've used a bag but I only had 3 and felt comfortable holding them in my hands. Think I'm digging a hole here........

My face was as red as a politician who just kissed the wrong end of a baby and was then informed it was 32 yr old midget. That was my first experience of sunburn and if what they say is true, it may still come back to haunt me in the future. If not, the Austrian bike ride certainly removed any lingering doubts. I'm doomed, I tells ya....doomed.

So call me foolish or just think of it as accepting the inevitable but I plan on going out into the sun again after publishing this post. Come on...you only live once and who needs skin anyway ? I think it's over rated. It'll be all old and wrinkly soon enough and right now, while it still has some semblance of elasticity in it, I want it tanned. Not burned. Tanned. I'd just like to be the later without experiencing the former.

But I have the same problem as in previous years and it's all down to being a teeny tiny bit overweight. Oi...sod off whoever said obese there ! Cheek. It's my glands. They've very active.

S'not my fault. And I'm on medication. Everyone knows pills are fattening.

As a result of this glandular problem (shut up), I rarely (never) shed my top even at the swimming pool. By the time I return to Blighty, my face, neck and extremities will be nicely tanned but the rest of my body will be as white as a polar bear wearing very white pyjamas. Thankfully I don't plan on revealing THOSE parts of my body when in the UK either so I'll still be expecting jealous looks and greetings like "wow where have you spent the last 6 months then, nicely tanned man ? Dates and invites to parties will inevitably follow.

So in summary, what have we all learned today ?

Well biking and the sun should be mutually exclusive.

Austria can be very hot. Very beautiful, but very hot.

Temps in F are much bigger than temps in C.

Using a shuttlecock will not win you any games in tennis...or partners.

Grass and education go hand in hand.

And finally.....

....if you don't want them to drop, always carry your balls in a bag.

You know it makes sense.

What's In A Name

Every time we head along US-27 to pastures North from Sebring, we come across a sign for the wonderfully optimistic town name of Frostproof. Frostproof has had a few frosty mornings over the decades but it was originally named to show that such events were/are far and few between for business, tourism and ranching purposes.

Maybe Frostresiliant would be more accurate but not as memorable.

Not much further away is the town of Christmas and by now we're beginning to realise that Florida town namers were a witty bunch with too much time on their hands. Except for whoever named the area south of Tampa as Rattlesnake ! Not a place I'd wish to visit for sure.

But I come from a land down under....no wait that's a song lyric ! I come from a land, nay an empire, of bizarrely named towns and villages so Frostproof and Christmas are merely slightly amusing to me.

How about Bachelors Bump to set the ball rolling and I bet Bareleg Hill raised a few eyebrows in Edwardian times. Wash Dyke is not a command but a town in Norfolk and I'd like to know what inhabitants of Ugley call themselves ?! How about a meeting of the Ugley Town Council ? The jokes are numerous and I'm sure the locals have heard them all.

But just sticking with rude names for this post, there is a small group of "T" towns that really should be twinned with each other. The Bush, The Furry, The Knob and Thong seem to have been made for each other and I for one would love to see (and photograph) the "twinned with" signs at their entry points.

Slackbottom may want to get its twinning application sent off to Thong as that would be another match made in Heaven......except Heaven (and Hell) is a place in Michigan.

You wouldn't catch me swimming in Piddle River in Dorset (although it could be twinned with North Piddle in Worcestershire) but then again, despite the name, it may not even have a river. Same goes for Penistone !

Body parts and bodily functions abound in English town and village names and it does make you wonder. Of course given our long history, these words and terms probably meant something quite different back in the day.

There are loads of "bottoms" for a start. From general ones like Bedlam Bottom, Boggy Bottom, and Bottoms Fold, to more descriptive ones like Broadbottom and Hole Bottom to emotive ones like Happy Bottom and Jolly's Bottom all the way along to ones we can all identify with like Scratchy Bottom and ending with the fanciful and entirely hard to believe, Six Mile Bottom.

Ogle Close may or may not have been a haven for naturists or anyone else who liked to throw off their clothing and dance around a maypole. And no, maypole dancing is NOT what you think it is either. It's all very dignified and wholesome...although there are loads of places to stuff notes of the realm if spectators feel that way inclined.

Without going into rude details (family site and all that), every part of a man and woman's anatomy is mentioned somewhere in a town name in England. I'd love to make a sentence out of a lot of them but I really would lose visitors ! If you wanna play a game and try and devise your own town name, you can be pretty sure it already exists in merrie olde England. It sure makes for some interesting travel tales. When you talk about coming out of XXXXXX and going into YYYYYY, you'll get the idea if you insert (stop it !) many of the town names I've mentioned already.

Jeffries Passage was probably perfectly reasonable a century ago but must now get sniggers. How about Friars Entry ? Golden Balls seems like a place made for a certain footballer and so they go on.......

Of course there are hundreds of beautifully quirky town names as well and I may write a post about them sometime but before I leave the rude ones, do I have a favourite ?

Well I'm going for one that is just so "out there" that I have NO idea what the town namer was thinking. Maybe he or she, most likely he, must've been on the happy weed of the day as this is what the town was named......

......Shingaycum Wendy !

Me, I'd be out of there.

Chili In Florida

Moving away from my last post and its bit of controversy and also letting its comments speak for themselves, yesterday was a time for more light hearted thoughts here in sunny Buttonwood Bay.

All last week we had Springfest events in the park and I have to sadly report that no seniors were arrested for drunken brawling or crude and lascivious behaviour around the swimming pools. There were a few reports of wind breaking but I think these were accidental and pretty much par for the course here really.

Anyway the events week came to an end yesterday with a chili cookout held in the (not slim) shady grove area which, as those of you who are familiar with the park layout will know, lies on the edge of beautiful Lake Josephine...which just happened to be especially beautiful on the day.

Unknown hundreds of park residents made the short trip to the grove on bikes, golf carts, motorised scooters, and even some on shanks' mare (or pony in the UK).

Google it if you lost me there.

Although the area contained many picnic tables, most people brought their own chairs as comfort was the order of the day and we were to be there for several hours. As well as the promise of free chili from the competition entrants and the usual park cooks, we were treated to music which led to dancing....which due to the heat and age of the residents, then led to some nodding off until the various raffle prize tickets were drawn !

The dancing was performed on the grove's generous concrete pad created for just such events.


I probably need to explain here that the shady grove is a nightmare for me as the shade part of the name means that photographs inevitably turn out 'shady' and especially so yesterday as I'd decided to only take my phone camera with me. It does have certain limitations and not dealing well with shade is one of them.

With that in mind then, here are a couple more shady shots to set the tone of the event.



So there we were, slowly roasting and/or slumbering in the warm sunshine, listening to the sombre wailings of Patsy Cline and other C&W artistes, when the mood suddenly changed. The free chili was up for grabs !!

I've rarely seen a line forming so quickly and in no time it looked like a scene from outside an Apple store when the latest iPad goes on sale. Holy crap but these people CAN move fast when they want to and at that time yesterday, they WANTED to.

This photo shows the tables groaning with chili. Nearest to me are the efforts of the official cookoff contestants who prepared their offerings in different categories from mild, through medium all the way to 'oh dear lord my ass is on fire.' The other tables contained more general offerings and you may just be able to make out the lines of residents who have split ranks at this end point and are going along whichever table looks to be giving out the best portions !


Not being a great chili lover (yes yes I know, I know....why limit that statement to just chili) I didn't care which table I went to but considering the state of my stomach since then, I suspect I picked the ass kicking one. Sales of Rolaids will be going off the charts by the time I get this under control !

Here is a photo of the contest entries followed by one taken as I moved along the table to get my bowl of chili.....with 2 cookies and 2 packs of crackers. Verily it was a feast.



Back at my chair, I wanted a photo of the chili so I balanced the bowl on my knee. My stomach is now telling me I should've left it there !


With the chili gone and everyone finished dancing, sleeping or discussing who really won WWII, it was time for the various prize draws. Our event tickets had all been torn in half when we went for the chili offerings and the other halves entered into a draw for numerous low key but perfectly acceptable prizes - $15 vouchers for local restaurants, Springfest baseball caps and t-shirts, a free oil change (??), a box set of Conway Twitty albums....that sort of thing.

Due to the number of prizes on offer and, we suspect, winners pretending they weren't winners if the prize was pretty naff, this particular draw went on and on. Some people HAD left the grove of course but I still think the 'I don't even want to admit I've won THAT prize' was the biggest factor to it dragging on too long.

Once over, we had various other draws. A quilt draw was soon over as there was just the one prize...the quilt. Then we had the draw I was really up for as I'd bought into it. I wanted 5 free golf lessons with the local pro but as with most things in my sad, loser existence (violins please), I didn't win. Finally we had another draw with many prizes and then it was all over.

With a speed worthy of a nomadic tribe of bedouins, everyone packed up their gear and medicare equipment, climbed onto or into their various modes of transport and within minutes, the grove had returned to its usual state of peace and tranquillity, standing as an impressive natural guard over the calm waters of Lake Josephine and its inhabitants.

And that was Springfest over for another year. Cakes and cookies had been baked and sold. Arts and crafts had been displayed. Even archery had been demonstrated with hardly an incident, although the poor old soul walking around with an arrowhead lodged above her left ear might disagree. Thank God her hearing aid took the brunt of the impact and caused her to only remark "there's no need to push me, dear" at the time.

I jest.

Today everything is back to normal - well except for my stomach but, as you know, I'm not one to make a fuss. I'm just going to eat lots of ice cream and drink gallons of milk.

Chili may not agree with me but yesterday was a grand day out at the end of a grand week of events and a big thank you goes out to everyone who worked so hard to make it possible.

Thank you.

(Oscar winners please note. Yes saying thanks CAN be that simple).

Dark Days Indeed

I've often wanted to write about certain serious topics that come to mind from time to time but I've always given in to social pressure and despite this being MY blog and so I should be able to say what I like on it, I'm a bit of a coward in this respect. I don't exactly have hundreds of readers but would still hate to alienate anyone and as we all know, it's easy to give the wrong impression on the internet !

As well as being Fat Tuesday/Pancake Tuesday, it seems it's also International Women's Day. I only know this due to Twitter's trending feature as I glanced at it this morning and noticed IWD was up there, trending worldwide. Just below it was Jim Davidson, a UK comedian who was a regular on our tv screens in an age when joking about women and 'blacks' got a lot more laughs than it does today. He didn't help his sinking career by being a dickhead as well and he was perfect tabloid fodder a decade or so ago as his private life (ha !) was as 'colourful' as his stage act.

So why was he trending ? Well it seems he was being interviewed on BBC Radio 5Live and considering what (we think) we know about his personal life, attitudes and stage act, many tweeters couldn't believe the irony of him being featured with IWD. So many spoke their minds and were then retweeted that old "Nick Nick" found himself trending for the first time in his life.

And that brings me to my subject - racism. I admit I'm all over the place with this word as it seems to have more interpretations and implications than just about any other word we use today and for some reason, all are assumed to be wrong. Lets give it a spin........

Frenchmen smell of garlic.

Racist ? Well sure, as the statement pertains to a race, or at least a nation, for goodness sake.

Offensive ? Who decides ? As they do generally eat a lot of garlic, I'm sure a lot of French women find THEM offensive !

Black people can't swim very well.

Racist ? Again yes as I've specifically mentioned an entire race of people.

Offensive ? Hardly. It's a statement of fact.

You see racism isn't always wrong and I hate seeing articles where it is stated that it is. Maybe I'm just not interpreting the word correctly and I really mean to be saying that 'race' isn't wrong.....as in the above examples. Maybe the definition of racism has been changed to ONLY mean offence against races. And as it's hard to decide what offends, make it ALL offensive.

I donno anymore. It's a bit of a mine field and as with mine fields, I try and stay clear.

Jokes can be complex; I like play on words jokes, clever use of my language jokes and even ones I need to think about for a few seconds in order to 'get' the joke. Generally speaking, if it takes me more than a few seconds to understand, then it's never going to be funny to me ! And if you have to explain it to me, forget it. My embarrassment at having had to have it explained to me totally offsets any comedic effects. My rule.

From the days of 'an Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a pub' type jokes, we've been laughing at racist jokes for centuries. Of course how long something has been around for doesn't make it right or acceptable - take Chicken McNuggets for example !

My (unusual for me) problem is that I can't ever express my thoughts on racism succinctly and when I try and write about it, the mess in my head comes out as a mess in my writing. I laugh guiltily behind the settee at Catholic jokes. While back there I admit to laughing at jokes about race too, especially national stereotype ones. Even my own nationality. I mean if we can't laugh at ourselves, then we're in for a very stressful existence.

Some may say that's wrong. Garlic smelling, onion covered, beret wearing French readers may be peddling away now in droves. Bon voyage I say, although being British, I say it very badly and with one arm being twisted behind my back as it's using a foreign language.

The whole Politically Correct business is a joke in itself and I'm pretty sure that when people in power get on their high horses about something not being PC, they are just scared to say......"look it was all said/done tongue-in-cheek people, so have a non guilty laugh and move on". They'd probably say it better but that's what they'd mean. It seems these days the 'offender' has to grovel publicly and even sack himself or herself in order to stop the overcrowded bandwagon of double standards from flattening them completely.

The Richard Keys/Andy Gray fiasco being a case in point. Shakespeare had a very appropriate play title to sum up that particular non event.

I'm not really sure why I've written this post. Maybe I wanted to dip my toes into the murky waters of racial controversy - or maybe I just wanted to have an excuse to attach a YouTube video !

Being a Norn Iron child of the 50's and 60's, I grew up never having seen a "person of darker colouring" until I was 18, when I moved to Leicester to start at University. Having said that, we did have a black and white tv for longer than most so really, I shouldn't have been all that surprised when I did see one in real life !

An entertainment treat for us back in those simpler days was "The Black & White Minstrel Show" which is partly why my head is such a mess today when it comes to political correctness and racism. All I can say is that AT THE TIME, I loved the routines and how the songs went seamlessly from one to another without a pause. I may have known they were Negro songs from the American deep south but as a child and even a teenager, that was all I knew. They were white British singers trying to recreate American Negro singers and I never lost any sleep over them not just using Negro singers in the first place. For all I knew, they didn't exist.

Why did they paint their faces ? Come on, it was all part of the illusion they were trying to create. Racist ? Politically incorrect ? It seems so today for many people. But surely this could be seen as a positive case of racism (what now ???) as the great singing of these timeless songs, no matter if they were borne out of slavery and oppression, brought them, and the history behind them, to a much wider audience.

There are just so many double standards at work with racism and political correctness.

"Are You Being Served", "All In The Family", "Love Thy Neighbour" and even "On The Buses" would be on any list of non PC shows that we all enjoyed at one time. Or maybe not. I never did care for Reg Varney and his attitude to women did make me cringe even back then. And I never EVER understood how his sidekick bus driver could 'pull a bird' when he looked like a classic old letch who was well past his letch-by date anyway. Sorry Bob, but you did.

See, it's a mine field I tells ya.

Ok before this mess turns into a quagmire (oh God not Quagmire from Family Guy !!!), I'll stop the flow and show the vid.

Entertaining ? Offensive ? Entertainingly offensive ? Feel free to comment. All I know is that when we finally got a colour tv, the show lost something and that in itself is a mine field to explore.

But not right now. I'm off to therapy !

Heartfelt Thanks

18 years ago today I had my bypass surgery and so to celebrate still being around, I've just been for a 90 minute bike ride around the park, stopping at the Cafe On The Lake for a cheeseburger deluxe and a Sprite Zero......gotta keep it healthy y'know ! With the meat patty and slice of cheese counting as part of MY 5-a-day, I reckon with the tomato and lettuce forming the deluxe bit, I'm ahead of things for the day already.

Speaking of that surgery, I'm not sure what guarantee came with my internal plumbing upgrade back then but I'm sure given the age of most other 'customers', I'm well ahead of the average. Some wit at the hospital (probably the surgeon) told me it came with a lifetime guarantee and although you can't disagree with that wording, I did have a slight glitch a few years ago when things got blocked up again resulting in another heart attack but dammed if I could find that warranty. Isn't that always the way ?

Of course after 18 years, most pipework gets a bit corroded again and with my well dodgy diet and lack of any exercise other than an overuse of my tv remote, I know I'm not helping my cause. You'd think after two such warnings, I'd be on my best behaviour but I just can't bring myself to spend hours in the gym and live on lentils and spinach.

So I walk and cycle when the mood takes me and try to only have red meat three a day. It's a compromise and means I'll probably only live to be 105 instead of 110 but that's less years to be soiling myself and dribbling at both ends so I don't see it as a big deal. Anyway, by the I'll be even more senile than now so I'll not even know what planet I'm on.

Don't get me wrong - I do worry about the future. I mean Leeds finishing outside the top 6 does keep me awake at nights but what's a fan to do ! Just worry.

And so every year on this date, I again thank the skilful hands and online degree of Dr. Nair and his team at the BUPA Hospital, Leeds for basically saving my life back in 1993. (Just joking about the online degree before anyone sues me). I also raise my glass of Guinness in a toast to them and use it to wash down my triple bacon sannie and fries.

God bless you all and as they say at the end of the Annual Ozark Mountain People Festival, no more clogging !

Cheers !!