When They Work Here, They Work Fast.

When the driveway guys arrived yesterday, they didn't waste any time getting down to the work.  This first photo shows them removing the top layer of grass and soil down to about 4ins as that was to be the thickness of the concrete base.

You can see the start of the wooden frame that would limit the boundary of the cement when poured. It would eventually come right down to the roadside and across to that newly dug up part, just to the right of the existing little path (leading to the front door) so as to form a seamless solid area around that side of the house.

This next photo shows the progress only a few minutes later and you can see the depth to which the ground has been dug up, in readiness for the concrete.

Only 2 men were involved at this stage and as the afternoon wore on, one left so it became a one man show. He had to level the ground to provide a smooth base for the concrete which was due to arrive the following morning.

Today in fact. Friday.

Photo 3 shows the driveway when the guy left for the day. The full frame is in place and the dug up ground is level and smooth......well as it slopes down to the road for the rain to pour off, it's as level as it needs to be !

We don't plan on using the driveway for the truck. We want to use it for the golf cart and so that we can sit outside and not be bothered with the ants which are all over the grass here.  Sure they'll still be on the grass belong to the next property but they never stray far from their little 'holes' and so won't venture onto the concrete at all.

Our house is South facing and so the sun curves in an arc right over the driveway all day long. It's a sun trap and we want to make much more use of it for relaxation and that's why this work is being done.

At some point in the future we may have a car port type structure added at the back, just in front of the little shed, and that will provide some nice shade - during the day it's usually too hot to sit outside for more than a few minutes at a time. But from mid afternoon onwards, the house itself provides increasing shade as the sun moves Westwards and so we'll see if this awning will really be needed.

Now we've moved forward to before 9am this morning (Friday) when the concrete pouring truck arrived with 4 men to do the work.

These people do most of the driveway work within the park and so it was an easy decision to pick them. If at any time we have a problem, we know where to find them as they're nearly always here.

They started at the back near the shed and poured on the first 'dollop' of concrete and began smoothing it out. Here you see the goop coming down the shute (poetic eh ?) while 2 of the men are ready with their rakes to smooth it out.

It all progressed very fast as the 'hard' preparation work had been done yesterday. In no time the whole driveway was covered in concrete and we even managed to save a tiny toad which had been cowering in a corner and had been in danger of being buried alive in classic Mafia style. Well I say 'we' but while I was dithering over it and wondering what to do, one of the workmen scooped it up and flung it over to the other side of the house.

I could've sworn I heard a tiny voice shout out "I can see your house from hereeeeee" but I may have been mistaken. In any case, toady turned up a few minutes later trying to get in the front door so obviously it's sub orbital flight hadn't affected it too much. That's one small step.....etc etc.

This penultimate photo shows them working right at the road end of the driveway and you can see how the concrete is coming around to join up with the existing path...and how much concrete was needed to fill to a depth of 4 inches.

Usually they taper the end of a driveway so that it is flush with the road but as we told them we'd not be using it for the truck, they left it raised up so it would be on a level with the end of the little door path. Of course it doesn't mean we CAN'T get the truck up (or any vehicle used by a visitor) onto the driveway, but we just need to remember there will be a slight bump going up there.

This final photo was taken just before they left for the day. The work isn't finished though as once the concrete is dry, they'll be back tomorrow to 'score' it.

If you enlarge it, you may see a line across from the water downpipe - just where the driveway starts to slope downwards to the road. The main guy will be back tomorrow to create a couple more lines across the length of the driveway with his power cutter. You cannot have such a long area of concrete without scoring it in places or else it will crack over time.

Scoring it puts in planned cracks which ensure that unplanned cracks don't appear all over the concrete. It's a shame really as I like the look of this lovely smooth area.

But it has to be done.

I'll post a final photo tomorrow when this scoring has been done and the driveway is complete.

Sorry if these have been a couple of dull posts but seeing this work done was something new to me and I'd like to have a record of it for my purposes if nothing else.

Normal blogging services will be resumed from now on..............

Stump Cam

Seeing as this is a term familiar to watchers of cricket, I thought it would be appropriate for this blog post title.

Just before I arrived here 2 weeks ago, the tree that stood next to our house had been cut down and removed. Debby blogged about it at the time and I was bummed that I missed it.

We've also decided to have concrete laid on the area next to the house so we can sit outside and enjoy the sunshine without the constant risk of being eaten alive by the fire ants that currently share the land with us. This new driveway will run from the little shed all the way to the roadside and be 8ft 7ins wide.

These 2 photos show a before and after view of the side of the house. You see the tree in front of the golf cart that a bike is resting against ?   Then you don't !




But when they ground the old tree stump down, they didn't remove enough of it as it needed to be at least 4 ins below ground level so that the concrete work could be done. So stump man came this morning to grind it down a bit more and this time I was here to record the deed - hence stump cam.

I'll just split the series into 2 sets and let them tell their own story. First up is a set showing how the guy basically walks the grinder off the trailer and sets it up over the stump.







The next set shows how the guy gets the grinder up to speed and then lowers it and moves it very slowly from side to side and thus grinds down anything in its path. The second last photo shows the lovely colour of the stump as layer after layer gets cut away. There wasn't much left to see really but the photos on Debs blog (see link above) show the colours much better as there was more of the stump at that time.

The final photo shows the stump pretty much gone and the resulting hole was filed in with the bits and pieces that used to BE the stump and so that was a nice recycling touch. It was all over in less than an hour and once he walked his grinder back up onto the trailer, he was gone. It was something I'd never seen before so I was glad to have seen it for myself.






Now we're just waiting for the driveway man to arrive. He rang at 8am and told us he'd be here at 9am. 

It's now 10am.

I guess the time wasn't set in concrete !!      (Ohhhhh sorry about that).

Friends Reunited

One of the joys of returning here to Buttonwood Bay each year is that we eventually meet up with friends who also return to spend the winter months in the Sunshine State.

We are called 'Snowbirds' as the idea is that we are trying to avoid seeing any of the white stuff for the rest of our lives. In my case, returning to England in the last few days of March, I run the risk of getting to see snow for a few days at some stage. Maybe even in mid June, given the weather we've had recently.

My friends Debby & Dennis arrived first this year, arriving towards the end of September. They came from Michigan. Then in the first few days of October I arrived and a week later, our friends Marty and Eldy arrived from Indiana.

Yesterday Clair & Mary arrived from Pennslyvania, although they had set off from their home a few weeks earlier and taken a slower, tourist type route to get here. Maybe it was just down to Clair driving as with a laptop and 2 GPS devices, he can still get lost.

Once they had opened up their house (and removed the car and golf cart from inside it !!), they moved in a lot of their stuff from their motorhome. By 6pm they were tired and very hungry and we all decided to go locally for some fast food.

When we got back it was only just after 7pm and as there was an almost full moon, I decided to get a picture of us all with the moon in the background. I got out the tripod, attached the camera and then realised I had my long lens on it. As no one wants to hang about outside at night with the threat of 'the flying teeth' around, I just decided to go with it and get them to keep going back, and back, and back. Finally they were in shot and with the self timer set, I hit the shutter button and legged it the half mile to where they were now standing.

Just in time.

The flash unit built onto my camera has all the power of a half dead firefly so I really didn't expect it to light us up very well - so I was more than pleased with the results. The fact that it lit up the moon as well was a nice bonus !



Don't we look like a happy bunch of campers ? I've caught a bit of sun in my 2 weeks here as it's kinda hard not to. I may not resemble my passport photo when I return to the UK but that's never a bad thing.

It's lovely to be here in the park with friends all around us. Constant waving becomes the norm and all traces of SAD have gone. I can watch Corrie and Match Of The Day so all in all, I see few downsides. Well until the Presidential election is over, it's best to avoid tv.

If only they could manage decent fish and chips I'd never want to go home.

The Princess Is 50

My bestest ever friend, the self proclaimed Princess, is 50 today. To look at her, you'd never guess she was a day over 49.  Amazing.  No plastic surgery.  No artificial additives (I don't think).

Just Debby.

I won't go into a long list of her attributes as she'd be embarassed to see them all posted on a blog.  Yeah right.  Modesty isn't one of them !!!

But she is special to me.  We've been friends since before me met.  Thanks to t'internet.  Yes folks we were internet buddies and proud of it.  After a few years of chating online (no Skype back then as dial up connections were the order of the day), we met sometime in the early 1990's. I'm not entirely sure of the year at this point in time but could probably work it out from home movies and photos.  

Anyway it was about 15 years ago and we've seen each other every year since then.......often for 6 months at a time since 2000. She and hubby, Dennis, have opened up their home for me on these occasions and I'm glad to say that I've done the same for them when they've come over to the UK to stay with me.  

Entente cordiale, hands across the water, special relationship and all that good stuff.  We're doing our bit.

So Monday morning is coffee morning here in Buttonwood Bay and we're off now to join with as many of the residents who like to share a coffee and a chat and even a donut.  Hmmmmmm donuts.  Debby is wearing her flashing 50th Birthday badge and wonders if the tiara would be over doing it.

See what I mean ?

Happy Birthday, Princess Debby.  You sure are American Royalty !!

DIY Surgery ?

Just before I came over here to Florida for the winter, I checked my heart monitor and realised it needed new batteries.  Not knowing if the battery had gone in the watch receiver or the chest strap transmitter, I decided to replace both to be on the safe side and to have both in sync, so to speak.

I use the monitor much more here in Florida as I use my bike a lot more - both for exercise and for getting around.  I used to be keen on biking for exercise in Leeds until my 2nd heart attack which came, ironically enough, after I'd biked to my local pharmacy to pick up my 6 months supply of pills for my trip to Florida in 2005.

I came out of the pharmacy, didn't feel too well and in typical style, rode the bike back home and probably had several minor after attacks on the trip !  Way to go !!  I knew what was happening and rang for a taxi to take me to the hospital and the rest is history.

Anyway, I'm now a bit leery about biking unless on a totally flat surface as my heart monitor shows just how much stress is placed on it (the heart, not the monitor) when I go up even a slight incline.  I could just go round and round my estate but that's a bit boring so basically when in Leeds, I just walk for exercise.

Things are different here in Buttonwood Bay as apart from one very slight incline, all the internal roads are as flat as pancakes.....even pancakes I've made !  This and the glorious weather makes biking a joy.  But I still like having my monitor on as the very hot conditions can raise my heart rate too and it's also very easy to stay out too long enjoying the sunshine.

So back to the batteries.  I'd bought this specific monitor about 18 months ago from the same local pharmacy (Lloyds) as it was very cheap at £9.95.  I decided that if the batteries were over £3 or £4 each, I'd just get a new monitor as they were now on sale for £7.95.  Getting the batteries out of the units was no easy task and certainly not as easy as it said it would be in the instructions.

Numerous tiny screws had to be removed and when I slid the cover sideways off the back of the watch, a very thin rubber gasket came off as well and I knew I'd have trouble getting it back on. 

I'd almost decided to simply buy new but I wanted to price the batteries anyway. 

I left things until I went to collect my pills again (I walked  !!) but was annoyed with myself as I'd forgotten to take the old batteries with me.  The pharmacy didn't sell replacement ones anyway and recommended the newsagents a few shops up the road.  I went there and the conversation went like this...................

"Do you sell batteries ?"

"Yes we do.  What kind do you need ?"

"Well I don't know the name or serial number and I've not got one with me but they are for a heart monitor." 

The newsagent looked at me for a few seconds and her brow furrowed.

"You removed the old batteries yourself ?"

"Well yes but like I said, I didn't bring one with me.  I'm thinking of just buying a whole new unit actually if the batteries are too expensive.

More brow furrowing and an even longer stare.

"I can't believe you've done that."

"Well yes they were a bugger to get out and a gasket came out too so I'm not sure I can get it all put back together again anyway."

I thought she was going to faint.

"A heart monitor ?" she said.  "Yes." I said.  "To check my heart rate when I exercise."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."  she shrieked.

"Oh my God I thought you meant...ah.....a......."  

"A pacemaker ?" I asked helpfully.

"YESSSSSSSS" she said, getting the colour back into her cheeks and laughing hysterically.

Maybe I need to stop walking around with a white coat and stethoscope but I still don't see how she confused a monitor with a pacemaker.  I mean everyone knows that when the batteries go on those babies, you're not likely to be calmly standing at a newsagents counter with a supersize Mars bar and a bag of Werther's Originals and asking about replacement batteries.

No, I suspect you'd be sitting very very quietly at home in a soft chair and waiting for the ambulance to take you to hospital.  Not a newsagents.

 

Mad Dogs And......From Wherever.

When out on my daily walk yesterday, a couple passed in their car and pulled into their driveway just a few yards from me.

I noticed a couple of Scottish stickers on the edge of their trunk and so when I got up to their driveway, I asked about them.

"My husband came from Scotland originally" said the wife.

"Ahhhh" I said in response.

Then hubby, who had taken a bit longer to get out of the car, added "Yes, but I hate the Brits !! My business partner was a Brit and he owes me a lot of money."

"Hang on" I said "I'm a Brit".  I didn't feel the need to remind him that, unless something major had happened in the week since I got here, Scots are Brits too.

"Oh well I guess I don't hate them all."

After chatting a bit more in an effort to patch up the 'special relationship' between our nations that had so obviously been tainted by the business partner, I continued with my walk.

Then I got to thinking......am I a Brit ?  

When I'm asked where I'm from, I usually give England as my answer as, after all, that's where I live.  Well for a few days over half a year at least.  That's just in case US Immigration is reading my blog. Hey you never know.

So I'm ok with where I live/where I'm from.  But my nationality ?

You see I was born in N. Ireland but I don't have a snappy and accurate country of birth to give to anyone who asks. 

"I'm....ah......well..........I was born in N. Ireland."

That's the best I can do really.  Technically that doesn't make me British.  It certainly doesn't make me Irish.  

My passport tells everyone I'm a citizen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.  And no, I'm not giving that lot as a reply. On the immigration form I put 'UK' but this is mostly as the space for the answer isn't very big.  That's ok for forms but it doesn't roll off the tongue.  

Am I a United Kingdomer ? Actually that sounds pretty grand and conjours up images of castles and knights and serving wenches and Americans love all that historic stuff.

I could say I'm an Ulsterman but come on, who here would have a clue what that means ?

Remember this is a nation where, when I say I live in England, I'm asked if I know so and so as if I'm familiar with everyone who lives in England.  They're also not entirely sure where we are on a map.  Oh lets be honest, they're not sure where ANYWHERE is on a map. Ulsterman would create numerous extra questions and probably open up a whole can of political and geographical whipass.

So why is this important right now ?  Well it's down to my walking.  Mostly people here walk in the early hours before the sun is up and the tarmac isn't bubbling.  I, on the other hand, am NOT a morning person and like to wake up slowly and so I go walking at about 11am or noon most days. The temperature at this time of day is in the mid to high 80's.  And humid.  Very humid. 

But my thinking is I get exercise, a tan and a sauna all from the same walk.  

I don't meet a soul.  The a/c units are going full blast.  Everyone is inside having a nap or knitting booties for the great-grandchildren.  Even if they are teenagers now. I could be the only person in the park and no, my name isn't Daffyd !! 

So of course I wanted to blog about this and the obvious title would've been "Mad Dogs And Englishmen"  but that's when I came unstuck.  

"Mad Dogs And Ulstermen ?"

Maybe.

"Mad Dogs And United Kingdomers ?"

God no.

"Mad Dogs And Citizens Of The United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Ireland ? "

It's only getting worse.  Maybe I should just walk at dawn and leave the midday sun to the English.

Snake Whisperer

Well I guess this poor little fella was way past the whispering stage when I came upon him yesterday.  Although it doesn't appear obvious in the photo, parts of him were flat and I don't think this was natural !  I suspect he'd been run over a few times by any or all of the golf carts that ply the roads within the park.

And if that wasn't a good clue that he was an ex snake, then the relatively large hole towards his tail was the clincher.  I think he'd been doing his 'circle of life' thing for some considerable time - so despite some recent advice about avoiding any local Coral Snakes, I felt pretty safe aproaching this one. I had a pebble handy just in case.

Although 45 species of snakes are found in Florida, only 6 are venomous. I've gone to various sites to try and identify this one but I suspect that having been run over a few times and then having a chunk removed from his body and then lying in the hot sun for a while.....oh and then being dead......he may have lost some of his distinctive colouring.  If he ever had any.  

So basically I donno what he is, or was.  

It's still a novelty for a Brit to see a snake of course, hence this post. St. Patrick was probably glad he never made it to America as he'd have had his work cut out removing all the snakes from here.  Would've been handy if some other Saint had thought to irradicate ants and mosquitoes and, well, anything that bites.  Even hamsters !  But I digress.

When I went past the same place this morning, old snakey had gone.  As I very much doubt it was under his own steam, I think he became a meal for any number of park critters and even a couple of not so fussy park residents who don't care where their next meal comes from.

Probably more nutricious than anything sold at McDonalds.

Gator Whisperer

Remember the gator I photographed a few days ago ?  The one that was hiding his head in the reeds ?

Well on Saturday Debby came back from a golf cart trip around the park and said the gator was still there and this time his head was clearly visible.

I was going for a walk anyway so armed with my camera, I set off like a poor mans David Attenborough to get a photo of this huge man eating beast......ok a little 5ft beast then.  Come on, a guy has to tell a good story, y'know.

When I got to the area, the stupid gator was right back where we'd seen it the previous day and not only was its head hidden again but it was settled even lower in the water so there wasn't as much of its body in view.

I shouted at it.  No response.

I jumped up and down.  No response.

I decided on more drastic (and potentially foolhardy) tactics and picking up 3 pebbles from the path, I threw one underarm towards the beast. It plopped into the water a foot from the gator and - no response.  The next pebble was a bit closer but still, no response.

By now I'd got the range just right and the third, and largest, pebble hit the gator in the middle of its back and it didn't like that at all.  It reared up alarmingly and opened its jaws and then

crashed back down into the water.  Lovely.  Stunning.  What a photo opportunity.

Sadly it all happened in a flash and I'd no time to even raise my camera to my eye, never mind compose and take a photo.  Dammit.  I needed an assistant.  Where was Debbie McGee when I needed her ?  

At least he settled back down with his head a bit more exposed and I think he was giving me the 'evil eye' for sure.  

"One more pebble hits me, ya bastard, and you'll be my supper."  Or thoughts along those lines.

So I took one photo and beat a hasty retreat.

When I went back today (Monday), the gator was gone.  I guess I'd had my chance and blew it.

For once I've not resized the image.  I'm having problems with photos on here not enlarging when you click on them so hopefully this one will enlarge and if so, I want it to be full size so you can get a good look at him.

No gators were (seriously) harmed in the making of this post.

Meat Is Just So Fresh Here.

Even though we've had supermarkets in the UK since the mid 60's, we obviously have a lot of catching up to do to get where they're at over here in The Colonies.

Sure they look the same and mostly stock the same foods but down here in sunny Sebring, they've taken the idea of fresh food to another level and I'm pleased to report that the chain that filed for bankruptcy just over 3 years ago, is the one raising the bar to new heights.  Winn Dixie.

We were shopping in the local branch yesterday when we got to the checkout and Deb glanced at the cart of the man in front of us who was busy loading his shopping onto the counter.

Perched on a side 'bar' of the cart was a little lizard, one of the zillions that live here. He'd obviously come in on the cart and was enjoying shopping at Winn Dixie.  Maybe it was the GEICO gecko on a Florida vacation.    

The man saw us all looking and pointing at the lizard but he was too busy sorting out his groceries to care less.  I patted his little head (nooooooo the lizards head, not the mans) and it scuttled over to another part of the cart.  Cute little guy.

The man paid and left the store.

Legally I'm not sure where he stood.  I mean he didn't pay for the lizard but then again it wasn't sold by the store either. 

After a quick dash back to the fresh meat section, we moved up in line and started putting our groceries onto the counter.  The checkout girl glanced at my cart and seemed surprised to see the 12 lb chicken that was wrapped around the bars.  I've no idea why she rang for the manager as she hadn't said a word to the man with the gecko.

I thought it was disgraceful that they had a problem with me taking my chicken for a trip around the store.

"But it's dead" she said, somewhat unnecessarily I felt. "And also still covered in saran wrap."

"It was her last wish" I offered as a way of explanation. "She loved Winn Dixie and wanted to see inside the store one last time before supper."

"I don't believe you, Sir.  You'll have to pay for it/her."

I paid up but was not happy.  I'm sure as hell not taking my gecko there next week as planned. We'll go to WalMart.

Winn Dixie have lost my custom and to be honest, with that attitude, I can see why they went bankrupt.

Not What You Want To Hear.

On Tuesday I went to the dentist.  Yes two days before going to America for 6 months I went to the dentist.

It was just my 6 month checkup visit and when I made the appointment back at the end of March, I didn't plan on going to America quite so early in October.

Anyway I've not needed any dental work in years so I just expected to be in and out in minutes.

Like Jays blog the other day, I wasn't so lucky this time.  I spent 30 glorious minutes with the hygienist who is a sweet looking young girl with a greeting and smile that belies her ability to inflict pain. I keep refusing to use the little pokey things that she wants me to stick between my teeth to clean out the plaque and that makes her unhappy.  My reasoning is that they hurt and if nothing else, they require effort.  I mean I didn't buy an electric toothbrush to then stand and poke holes between my teeth.

If I used these articles of torture, I'd also risk removing the food that lodges between my teeth. This food is my emergency supply for when I get hungry and am nowhere near a restaurant. It's really handy to poke out a chunk of well matured Christmas cake in the middle of July when sitting on the beach at Bridlington and get a bit peckish.  

So she spent 30 minutes using all the tools at her disposal to remove this secret food stash and never even offered to let me have it to take home.  In this day and age of economic fastidiousness, that seemed a great waste to me.

With my teeth now 20cms apart, I went in to see the dentist.

"Good morning, Silverback * " she said.  "And how are things with your teeth ?" 

"Well they were fine before Miss Torture Chamber 1998 had a go at them.  Now I'll need a tug boat rope to floss", I added sweetly.

What I actually found myself saying was that I had a small sharp piece of enamel sticking up the side of my lower right molar.  My theory about it was that the gold filling on that tooth must have sunk down somehow and thus exposed the edge of the enamel and all that was needed was for her to file it away.

Simple.  I was planning my trip home within minutes.

She had a poke around and came up with her own theory.  Well not so much a theory as a fact.

A part of nice Mr. Tooth had broken off and evil Mr. Decay had moved in like some unwelcome tenant. This had upset Mr. Goldbit who had felt the need to move out as he didn't get on well with Mr. Decay even though he'd been living there for over 25 years. 

Apart from being very silly, this was not good news.  The dentist gave me a few options but really, given that I was less than 48 hours away from leaving the country, only one was possible.

Remove the gold filling, scrape out the decay, pop the filling back in again, trowel on some dental cement and Bobs your Dads brother.

Fine I said.  Get on with it.  

"Hold on there", she said. "The gold filling might not come out easily and I might crack the tooth and then we're looking at a much more serious situation."  

I wasn't sure I liked this 'we' business.  As far as I could see, it was only me who'd be looking at a serious situation but I graciously accepted her part in it all.

She then numbed my gum, closely followed by the right side of my tongue and my right arm. I also lost all feeling down to my knee cap.  It seemed a bit over the top for a bit of molar repair but I suspect that the fucking huge needle had induced a mini stroke.

Being now unable to converse verbally or with any part of my body other than an occasional twitch of the big toe on my left foot, she started asking me about my trip to Florida. What's that all about ?  It's a universal complaint from those of us "in the chair" that dentists talk to us only when we can't reply, or at best can only make unintelligible sounds that we last used when we were unable to walk properly and oozed liquids at both ends.  

My mates stag party last month in my case.

Seconds later she had my gold filling in her hand.  She said it had basically just been sitting loose on top of the decay and could've popped out on its own at any time.  Given the current price of gold and the size of this nugget, I reckon I could've swallowed £500 with my chicken vindaloo the previous night.  Puts life in perspective, doesn't it !!

Anyway, the decay was scraped out, the gold filling replaced (I kept my beady eye on it all the time in case a switch was made), the tooth sidewalls were plastered and the job was done.

But instead of waving me off with a cheery smile and words of comfort regarding the tooth work, she warned me that the filling could, and probably would, pop out again at any time as this solution wasn't really the BEST solution but was the best that she could do given the circumstances.

Oh bloody marvelous.  Really cracking news, Gromit.

So now it's almost 4 days later and I should be relaxed on my holiday. I survived the flight here. I survived the meal on the plane. I even survived immigration and customs. 

How long my gold filling survives is a different matter and thanks to my dentist, worries me constantly.  I try and chew only on the left.  I don't poke at the tooth with my tongue even though my tongue constantly feels the need to do so.  That's another one for the scientists to sort out.  Why does a tongue which is usually not interested in anything inside the mouth (unless it is the tongue from another mouth) suddenly want to investigate any tooth or part of the mouth which is causing pain or likely to cause pain in the near future ?  Weird stuff.

I now live in fear of swallowing a lot of money.  I can tell you this.  If I do swallow that filling, I'm going to be going through my poop with a fine tooth comb.  How appropriate !

And what is the dictionary definition of a fine tooth comb ?  

...........'a comb with teeth set close together'

Obviously not something my hygienist would ever use then.

* she didn't really call me Silverback.  She doesn't blog.

1 Down - 176 To Go.

First morning back in Butonwood Bay and I was awake at 6am.......as I expected would be the case.

Got up shortly afterwards and had coffee with Deb & Den and then Deb and I went into town for breakfast - a shared meal of pancakes, sausage, bacon and eggs for about $5.30 all in.

Can't beat that for a deal.

When we came back here, we went for a golf cart ride along both nature trails and due to the recent heavy rains, there were many more places for gators to be seen.

This little fella was about 5ft long but sadly for us, his head was in the reeds and so I only managed to get a photo of his bottom half.

Next time, pal, you're mine !

It seems there are plenty of gators inside the park this year and we saw 5 this morning. None were very close and apart from this one, the rest were in the water and so we only saw the tops of their heads.

A little bit further along the path we came upon this little bunny waabit who hopped onto the path and then sat still as if posing for me.

Not exactly exotic but cute none the less.

We also saw the dozens of pesky squirrels that will come up onto the golf cart given half a chance and they are so tame and are always on the lookout for food.  

We're told not to feed them but many do.  You know oldies.  Always wanting to break the rules !!

Then we came to the only bird on the water today.  There are usually plenty of them all over the park but maybe they're still off on their holidays or something but in any case, this was the only one we saw.

I know it looks like it's resting in the water but it was really fishing and was poised ready to strike.

You could wait for ages to capture the strike and to be honest, I'm not that into wildlife photos.

Now if I was on a commission from the National Geographic or BBC Bristol then I'd be happy to sit for hours waiting for the right moment.

But I wasn't so I didn't.

We saw loads of turtles but they were really too far away to become decent camera models. They were on the far bank of the channel that leads to the lake and with the amount of green algae in the water, they were hard to spot if they went in for a cooling dip.  

This one was on as branch and if you enlarge it, you'll see it was doing it's best to keep it's feet out of the water.

I'm not sure why it bothered as to get anywhere, it would have to go back in anyway. Or maybe it could waddle up along the branch.

So not bad for a 30 minute drive this morning and it promised much more to come over the months as a gator just has to come a bit closer sometime - not too close though.

A man's gotta know his limitations, as Clint used to say. And I certainly know mine.

A Quickie From Florida

It's 9:3pm here now and I've been awake for just over 41 hours.  I'm like a drunk man who has just gone into a coma so this will be one of my shorter posts.

Basically my mental facilities shut down slowly over the last 20 hours and yes, I know I'm leaving myself wide open to abusive comments for saying that !  Go for it.  Take your best shot. I'd not feel the slings or the arrows in my curent state.

This post is just to let you all know that I'm safe and sound stateside and sitting with my feet up in darkest Sebring.  Dark but bloody warm.  We've every window open and every fan going and I'll still have to sleep on top of the bed when I eventually stumple there.  I think I could sleep on stage at a Rolling Stones concert to be honest as my finger tips feel numb, my legs are going that way too and the last time I was able to focus properly was going through the Duty Free area in Heathrow about 18 hours ago.

Anyway the nice men from Homeland Security at Miami airport have let me in again for 177 days so there will still be plenty of time for posts after I've slept for 3 days. Maybe 4.

Actually having done this a few times before, history tells me that after only 6 or 7 hours of sleep, I'll be as perky as a topless cheerleader in a barrel of ice cubes.  Very perky indeed then.

But right now it's a struggle to see the keys, never mind hit them.  So it's goodnight from the good ol USA and have a good day y'all for those of you about to wake up back in Blighty. 

Does Time Fly When You're Flying ?

In 12 hours time I'll be setting off to Leeds/Bradford airport to get a flight to Heathrow and then on to Miami.  Yes Silverback, for that is me, is off to Florida for the next 6 months.  Well 177 days to be anal about it as I don't want to overstay my Visa welcome.

So 12 hrs.  I've most things packed and my carry on case is stuffed with the items I just could not afford to lose.  My medication, my laptop (well not quite packed yet obviously !) and my photographic gear.  It's been quite a challenge to fit those in, I can tell you.  Damn Leeds/Bradford airport for their pathetic luggage rules.

12 hrs.  I think they are going to fly by.  The last hours before you set off on holiday always fly by. So much to do and many things can only be done at the last minute.  Like turning off the water and draining the system.  Turning off the gas.  Those sorts of things.   I'd like to get in a few hours of sleep but I doubt it.

The flight from London to Miami will take 9.5 hrs.  Those hours will NOT fly by even though I will.  Be flying that is.  They will be the longest hours in the whole world......ever.  It's not that I dislike flying.  I just dislike crashing.  But seriously I hate airplane seats. And I know I'll be sitting beside, or partially under, an obese chatterbox with halitosis, week old socks and a personal hygiene problem. Whoever comes up with Star Trek type transportation will be a God in my mind.  Beam me over, Scotty.

I mean I'll have my mp3 all charged up and full of all the pirated music I like.  I'll have about 30 movies to chose from.  I'll have the excitement of duty free and a couple of meals to break up the monotony.  But the time will STILL drag.  I'll be going at 500mph but it'll seem like my watch is in a time warp and only ticking every 5 seconds.  I'd watch the hands move round but it's digital.

Then it's a 3 hr drive from Miami to my winter home in Sebring, Florida.  Ok that's a total time of 12 hrs door to door.  That number is coming up too regularly for my liking.

I don't even want to think about the return trip at the end of March next year as it involves a 12 hr stop over in Heathrow.  Bloody Travelocity.  I'll never use them again.  What do you do for 12hrs in an airport if you're not Tom Hanks ?  Anyway that's next year so I'll think about it then.

I've had to put the central heating on today for the first time this year and tomorrow I'll be sitting beside an air conditioning unit trying to keep cool.  Or I may be by the pool.  It'll be a hard choice, I know, but one I'm prepared to make for Britain.

So be good, my UK friends and if the Virgin Atlantic pilots aren't drunk, nobody hijacks us to Kazakhstan and US immigration let me in again, I'll post next time from sunny (and 90F) Florida. 

I'll try not to mention the weather.

Death - The Final Role

Like most people around the world, I read about the death of Paul Newman yesterday with a degree of sadness. In an age when 'personalities' with only a fraction of his talent can get hours of air time on tv and thousands of words in newspapers and magazines, Paul Newman was different class.

The tributes from those who knew him best are coming in thick and fast and as I didn't know him at all, I can only add that I feel the same way I do when any legend of stage and screen passes away. If they've played strong memorable roles that made an impression on me, I feel worse.  I remember the roles and how I felt at the time and somehow feel that I knew the person a little, but of course I don't.  A great actor does that to you.  You sometimes feel you know them when all you know is the character they played, and even then, only for a few fleeting moments. But what they did, their acting, can affect the way we feel about them, and our own lives.

           ***************** ER SPOILER ALERT *********************

Then last night I watched the first episode of the new series of ER.  The cliffhanger storyline from last season was that an ambulance had blown up and as well as not knowing which of the cast was inside it, another cast member had been walking past it at the time.  So several main cast members could have been seriously injured or killed - or none at all.  It was a great cliffhanger and must've helped with the process of contract negotiations during the summer break.  

"Oh you want more money, do you ?  Well it seems you WERE in the ambulance after all.  Go figure"

I won't name names but as the show developed, it became clear that one of the lead actors HAD been seriously injured in the blast (what caused the explosion was never explained and was obviously of no importance) and in time honoured fashion, his eventual death was still a surprise as it had initially seemed that his injuries hadn't been life threatening.  

ER does that very well.  Better than any other drama series in fact.  With a combination of great acting, strong storylines and fantastically emotive music, it often takes the viewer on a journey. The journey I went on yesterday had me in tears.  I admit it.  As the group of characters I felt I knew so well collected around the death bed, I was a mess.  Suddenly I was standing in a hospital ward beside my fathers body. Then, more recently, I was holding my mothers hand as she passed away. The tears hurt. The memories hurt.

I told myself it wasn't real.  It was acting.  No one was dying.  But as often happens, it was too late.  I'd given myself to the story.  The music had got to me again.  

And so an actor playing a role that I was watching on a laptop screen had reduced me to tears and brought back memories that I'd not recalled for some time. Yet the death of a real actor had barely affected me at all.  A decent, humanitarian man who will be missed by his many friends and family.

The famous monologue from Shakespeare's As You Like It sums it up best......................

All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts.

I'd never rate an actor in ER over Paul Newman but as can happen, we can all be affected by people and events depending on our situation at the time. Hearing about a real person dying is always sad but the acted death of a tv drama cast member can affect us much more if the scenes trigger personal memories that will remain powerful and emotive as long as we live.

Rest In Peace, Paul.

Don't Rain On My Parade

This time next week I'll be throwing a few items into a suitcase and 7 hours later the generous Daphne will be arriving to take me to Leeds/Bradfort airport.  Well she will if she manages to wake up in time but I'm not worried.  Not much anyway.  

I'll have the local taxi number handy just in case.

It was on 25th September last year that I first met Daphne.  It was a day I will never forget. But that aside, it was also the day I first met Daphne !

She'd commented on my blog about a year earlier and then me on hers and, well you know how it goes. It now seems like I've known her all my life - oh dear God but it does seem so - and what a wonderful friend she has become.

Ok enough head swelling words already.

So I'm off to Florida again a week tomorrow and I can't wait.  Sea, sand and sunshine for 6 months.

(loud sounds of tyres screeching and brake pads smoking)

But hang on a minute.  Back up there buddy.  Sunshine ?  Well sure, it's the sunshine state after all.  It's on their licence plates and everything.

Well I've just looked at the 10 day weather forecast for Sebring and on the day I arrive it shows scattered thunder storms and a 60% chance of rain.  Never mind eh.  That's a sort of frebee day as I'll be travelling from Miami and then very tired so who cares if it rains ?  Fair enough.

Next day, Friday, how does it look ?  Whoa, hang on, there is a pattern developing here.  Not to mention a spot of deja vu.  Scattered t-storms and a 60% chance of rain AGAIN.  WTF ?

Actually it's fine.  It's ok, it really is.  This is just October in Florida.  Rains a lot.  I know that from previous trips.  And after all, I've been acclimatising myself for it over the past 6 months. I'm ready for rain.  We've had a bit of it here this summer after all.  

What we've not had much of is heat.  Heat is what I'm not been used to since I left Florida last March.  It's been sadly missing here this summer.

On those two first days in Sebring the temperature will be 88F (31C).  

Ahhhh now that I can take.  Bring it on.

I'll try not to mention the weather too many times over the next 6 months.

I'll try not to post too many photos of palm trees and white sandy beaches.

I'l try not to write about lying on top of the bed at night as it's so warm.

I'll try not to mention ice cream melting before you can get it to the car.

I'll try not to post about swimming in the pool on Christmas Day.

I'm not promising anything.  But I'll try.

I Expect To Be Arrested Any Time Now.

I thought that title might get your attention.

I've often wondered what I'd do if I was asked to prove my whereabouts on a particular date and time in relation to a crime.  My memory is so bad that I'm quite happy if I can work out what I've left the house to do, never mind remember what I've done in the past.  Like 20 minute ago !!

I think I'd be relying on friends to come to my aid with an alibi if the rozzers ever came to my door with their truncheons slapping in their hands. 

And no, that's not a some sort of sexual inneundo for you 'Carry On' fans out there. Perverts.

Anyway this potential inability to keep myself out of a police lineup was highlighted today when I read an article in our local paper, the Yorkshire Evening Post.  

It recounted the awful story of a Leeds driver being dragged from his car by 2 masked men at about 10pm last night (Sunday).  He was basically mugged and left slightly injured by the attack but thankfully he didn't need hospital treatment.  I'd better point out at this point that the car was not in motion at the time but I have to admit that two masked men running along side a moving car attempting to get at the driver would be something worth seeing.

So what makes me think I might be 'in the frame' for this particular crime ?   See, all that cops and robbers tv watching has given me the parlance if nothing else.  

Well the article says that anyone who witnessed the crime or may be able to identify the offenders should contact their local police station.  Oh and what about the description of these offenders ?

Well to quote the article again, "both raiders are described as white men wearing dark clothing and balaclavas"  

I think we could be looking at a Guinness World Record for the longest police lineup in history.

And while I think about it, last night at 10pm I was in my house with Fr. Murphy and 7 of the boys from the local choir looking for swimwear on the internet.

I guess I've absolutely nothing to worry about then !!

 

It Doesn't Take Much..................

...............to put a smile on my face.

I was nearing the end of my 5 mile walk today when someone coming the other way, on the other side of the road, caught my eye.  I was wearing my usual t-shirt, scruffy jeans and a baseball cap to save my head from the blistering sun.  

No ?  Ok to retain the heat then.  But it was a lovely sunny day at least.

This other person cut quite a dash.  Even for Leeds 17.  Facially he was a bit like a young Colonel Sanders with a very well trimmed white goatee beard.  He was wearing an immaculate cream suit and a similar coloured panama hat.  

As we passed each other, he looked across at me.  I was so taken with his appearance I found myself touching the peak of my baseball cap and he smiled and did the same with his much more classy hat.  We never broke stride and the moment was over.

I had a smile on my face for quite a while afterwards as, for a few seconds at least, I felt I'd gone back to a previous age when men wore hats and would acknowledge one another by touching their brims in passing.

A few minutes later a young lad in his 20's came along on the other side of the road again.  He'd just bought a pack of cigarettes and in true British style, he removed the wrapping, peeled off the silver 'foil' and threw both on the ground before tipping out a cigarette.

The smile was wiped off my face.  

I so wanted The Colonel to come back and smack him with a cream coloured glove.

It would've been the classy thing to do.

Home Movie Memories

Don't worry.......I'm not going to show you any !

Last night Daphne came round for a visit and as a captive audience, I prised her eyes open with cocktail sticks and showed her some home video I'd taken of my first trip to America in 1989. This was because I'd gone to Florida and by going down the East coast and then up the West coast, I was showing her what she and Stephen could expect to see when they go over for their first US trip at the end of November.

Of course many things have changed in those intervening 19 years - and I don't only mean with my hair and body mass !!   Funny how one has shrunk to almost nothing while the other has grown just as alarmingly. Speaking of size, it was noticable watching the video just how much gas prices have influenced the US car market over the years.  They were well behind Europe in switching to smaller cars as gas prices were still relatively low until just a couple of years ago. Now it's very different and although truck sales still outnumber cars, fuel efficiency is much more of a buying criteria than it was back in 1989.

It was fun to see again the footage I took in a Ft. Myers gun store - something I mentioned in a long blog post last year. I'm still not sure why there wasn't a SWAT team waiting for me outside the store resulting in my first visit to America being my last.

It was also amusing to see the footage and hear my comments about sights that I now take for granted.  Everything was so new to me back then.  I took video of fast food outlets, shopping malls, road signs, police on bikes, white sand beaches, pelicans, motel rooms, palm trees, sun kissed bikini babes and basically anything different from what I was used to in the UK.

Little did I know back in 1989 that within a few years I'd have visited every state except Alaska and that going to America would be as normal for me as going to Scotland or Wales. In fact I'm off again in 2 weeks time and when I return to the UK at the end of March next year, I'll have spent 51 of the last 107 months in America.  

No wonder I have trouble with immigration every time I go !

It was strange to see that 37 yr old looking out at me from the tv screen.  Pre heart attacks.  Pre middle age spread.  Pre severe hair loss.  Pre beard.

Most important......pre retirement.  Of all the things that have happened to me, I'd have to put that at the top.  Even the heart attacks haven't changed my life as much as being able to retire at 49.  I'm not sure I'd still be here if I was still a working man as I never handled stress very well and that contributed to the main attack in 1992.  Retirement has brought me a pretty much stress free life and when you add to that the opportunity to spend the winter months in Florida, then I think it becomes my top life changing event.

Wow, that was a lot of heavy stuff to come out of a little home video. I promise I won't watch any more for a while.

A Trip To The Seaside

Last Thursday I went to Barrow. Oh nooooo, titter ye not.

Barrow is THE place to go to y'know. All the best people can be seen there.

Anyway it was my first time and I loved the place.

Ok I'd better qualify that surprising statement. I loved the beaches around Barrow. The town itself I could take or leave. It had once been the iron and steelmaking centre of the world and was a major UK ship building town for many decades. It had been building surface ships and submarines for over 100 years when the contracts for surface ships ran out and the town could easily have fallen on hard times.

But it concentrated on submarines and now builds the largest nuclear submarines in the UK. The very impressive Devonshire Dock Hall, where submarine modules are put together in the way that NASA uses it's Vertical Assembly Building to attach the shuttle to it's external fuel tanks, dominates the town in a way that is almost unique in this country.

I rarely post photos on this blog that weren't taken by me but in this case, Jonathan Webb has taken a view of the Devonshire Dock Hall that I'd be hard pushed to better ! Impressive building eh ?

I'll take that as a load of yesses as it bloody well IS.

But before this turns into a potted history of Barrow that you can get in much better form over on Wikipedia - I'll move on to a rather more personal view and get back to those beaches.

If you think the Devonshire thingamay building is impressive, well you'll be blown away by the Barrow beaches. I certainly was and I've been on some impressive beaches in my time, I can tell you. Well I guess I just did. So that was unnecessary. And so was that. And that.

Ok moving on.................

Where was I ? Barrow beaches. Thank you.

Until about 5pm last Thursday, I'd thought that Daytona Beach in Florida was the 'largest' beach I'd ever been on.  Well it was.  As I'd not been to Barrow till then.  I mean cars drive on Daytona Beach for goodness sake !  It's famous for it.  When the tide goes out you feel like you could walk to Europe and only get your ankles wet. It's fucking HUGE, as the French would say. Well with a bit more style and a few more accents, but they'd still say it.

As you can see, this Barrow beach was packed on Thursday. Well at least the sand was and it begged the question - why did wannabe world land speed record holders go all the way to the dry salt flats at Bonneville in the US of A when we had a beach like this all the time ?

You could've raced Jumbo jets on this beach, side by side, and still had room for all the Chariots Of Fire extras - and their chariots. And the film crew. And the studio. And, well you get the picture. No not THAT picture. This picture.

When I started walking along it, it was a mini Chariots Of Fire moment actually. The wind was blowing my hair over my face (shut it, you), my cheeks were glowing a healthy red (shouldn't have worn the kilt) and I could hear the waves breaking on the shoreline, about 12 miles away !
I was all for settling off at a gallop but you know how it is.

I'm an unfit, fat bastard and anyway, I'd have dropped my chips.

If you click on the photo and look wayyyyyyyy off in the distance, you may see 2 parachutists landing in the water. Nooooo not really. They were kitesurfers who use a special surf board and a large kite/parachute to skim across the water using only the power of the wind and a meal of baked beans.

I never got close enough to them to get a decent photo so you'll have to make do with these distant views - but you get the idea.

Every time I'd get a bit closer, they seemed to just zoom off as if camera shy.

There was also someone doing a similar thing on the beach but of course using a wheeled vehicle. It was like a large surfboard on wheels and at first I thought it was called beach yachting but I think that's when the vehicle has a sail attached.

This chap was using a kite/parachute just like his watery friend so I've no idea what that would be called. In any case I can't see either becoming an Olympic sport as it would all end in tears when the lines became entangled and 20 competitors were lifted off en masse to be dumped in a soggy heap 5 miles away.

But it was certainly spectacular to watch and I'm sure it provided a hell of a buzz for the people concerned.

I like this shot even though the chute isn't in the picture. I wanted to show the way the surfer churned up the water and I think this shows it very well.

The idea was to search for the larger waves and then ride them or even take off for a few seconds - not that they did this much so I think the two were fairly new to the sport. I've seen shots of participants really flying up quite a distance, safe in the knowledge that the pull of the chute will save them from a wipe out back in the water. Much better than normal surfing I'd have to think.

By now it was getting late and we had to leave the beach for a restaurant date.

I looked out into the sun and saw a shot worth taking. The surfer had started out on the sand and been dragged by his chute back into the water. You can see the trail he left behind him.

The sun was trying to break through the cloudy skies and this left enough light to just about see the colours in the chute but I decided to switch to the black & white setting for this shot.

I felt it added to the dramatic view and helps to take your eye down from the chute to the surfer sitting waiting to be taken up onto his feet and off along the water line again.

We left and had a lovely meal nearby (thank you Amy) and then back for an evening of chat and looking at photos well into the night (thank you Lesley and Frank).

Next day we went to another beach which was just as impressive in it's size and also that we had it pretty much to ourselves again. This one had classic dunes with that lovely soft sand that just begs to be walked on.

The tide was going out and when we eventually did turn around and walk back, we had a fun time examining the area that had been under water just a few minutes earlier.

Many amazing rocks were now exposed and Amy seemed to know the composition of them all.

We picked several each and they are now in the back of my car here in Leeds ready to be washed and placed somewhere in our respective houses.

I've not been a rock collector before but I may have caught the bug now. I'll have to look out for some distinctive ones when in Florida although they'll need to be small light ones as luggage weight is always an issue when flying these days. I'd better not try and take them in my carry on bag in case I'd done for carrying weapons. 

"This is a hijack. Do what I tell you or I'll fill your pockets with pebbles"

Serious terrorism for sure. 

After a lovely pub lunch at noon (thank you Daffy) we went to visit the nearby Furness Abbey which has been photographed by better people than myself so I'll not post any of mine - except for this one.

This was taken in the small graveyard area which we passed at the end of our tour around the abbey grounds.

Now I'm no archaeologist, even though I'm incredibly old myself, so I donno what this was exactly but in my amateur way, I'd have to think it was a very shallow grave for a single monk.  And a naughty monk at that.

I mean it's monk shaped and even has a place for the head to be laid just so we'd know which end was which.

And speaking of such thing, it also lends some credence to the belief that viagra was available long before this century as this grave was clearly designed so that the monk could be buried face down !!

Maybe he was the cassanova of the monk world and I'll leave you to make up your own jokes incorporating 'bad habits'.

After this we left and went back to pick up Amy and we all set off back to Leeds after a fun time in Barrow and the surrounding area.

Given its location right on the end of a peninsula on the extreme west coast of England, Barrow is not a place you'd tend to visit on the way to somewhere else.  But it IS worth a visit if only for those stunning beaches and after all, it's only 100 miles from Leeds and lies at the bottom of the scenic Lake District - an area of England that is always worth visiting even though it can seem like half the country goes there in high summer.

Just leave your motorhome somewhere else.  Maybe in Barrow.

No Need To Be ConCERNed.....It's French !!

As it seems every man and his blog are (or is) writing about this Large Hadron Collider gizmo, I thought I'd better get my two cents worth in before they flick the switch or pull the plug or put a couple of Euros into the meter sometime tomorrow.   

Believe it or not, I usually do some research before spouting about things on here as my mind is like a one photo camera card - each new photo, or in my case each new piece of information, simply overwrites the previous one. I suspect I was dropped on my head a lot as a baby.

So I go the the CERN site, which as everyone knows stands for Conseil Europeen pour la Recherche Nucleaire (add your own accents to make it look more Frenchy) but it's as dull and uninteresting as one of my home made omelettes. I mean wouldn't you think, with all this talk about the end of the world, that they'd at least have a countdown clock on the site ?  

Don't you just hate a scientist without a sence of humour ?

So I donno when this event is due to take place tomorrow but as long at it's not during the England game in Croatia, I don't care.  Well unless we're losing at about 9:40pm and then by all means send a few little black holes towards the stadium and wipe out a few of their players. They're foreign so it won't matter.

So what's it all about then ?   What does this LHC thingymagig do ?  In an effort to get up to speed (ha-ha), I went to the font of all knowledge.  Wikipedia !  

I'm none the wiser.

I never did physics at school.  Or chemistry.  Or biology.  I know the last 2 have nothing to do with CERN but I'm trying to paint you a picture here.  I'm no scientist.  I know a bit about rocketry and 'space' in a sort of NASAesque way, but that's it.  The only particles I know about are the ones that always end up on my t-shirt when I eat my supper in front of the tv.  A bad habit but at least I'm not likely to bring about Armageddon if I do it again tomorrow.

I think they've built a very long tube thing 100 meters underground somewhere on the French/Swiss border and at some time tomorrow, they'll send a light beam down it.  I'm not impressed.  I did something similar with a torch and an empty loo roll when I was a kid.  If I'd been better funded (more pocket money) I could've lit up half the street.  That's all they're doing tomorrow so don't expect anything spectacular. If the man wearing goggles at the other end raises his thumb to say he's seen the light, we can all rest easy that the world hasn't ended.

Of course if said man lowers his thumb in classic Nero style, then bend over, grab your legs and wait for the big bang.  Yes I realise for some of you this won't be your first time !  TMI.

Speaking of funding, I'm sure squillions of Euros have gone the way of these light particles over the years, namely into a large black hole.  Wikipedia reports that $1billion was spent this year alone. And what have we, the European taxpayer got for OUR money ?   A chance to forget our financial woes it seems.

Yes it's such a clever idea.  Build some doomsday machine costing the proverbial arm and a leg and then when the highly accelerated shit hits the fan and it all goes belly up, there is a good chance that no one will be around to say "well what a fucking waste of money THAT was !!"

And even if it all goes swimmingly and we see lots of white coated boffins jumping around and hugging each other like they're at a cricket umpires convention, what will we actually see ?  

Bugger all I should think.  It's just not that sort of event.  Even the Chinese would be hard pushed to make it exciting.  No fireworks.  No men suspended from wires.  No cute little schoolgirl miming La Marseillaise.

See if we (being the British) had this LHC device, we'd put on a bit of a show tomorrow.  We'd put on a 'bit of a do' for the millions who are sure to be tuned in for the event.  There would be a cock-a-knee street party with a pearly King and Queen (oh go google it !), lots of iron brew and jaffa cakes for the assembled celebs that aren't currently in Celebair and when Gordon Brown (oh google him too !) flicked the switch, he'd be the first to be vapourised and a loud cheer would go up.......and then we'd all follow him.  

Cut to the Queen standing unsteadily on the balcony of Buck Palace with her crown looking a bit sku wiff and holding onto a couple of slightly smouldering corgis.  We'd hear the unmistakable sounds of the national anthem coming from a lone piper off to one side and the image would slowly fade out with the voice of a BBC announcer telling us that we'll all try and meet up in 4 years time to do it all over again.

Oh shit, that's the Olympics.  

Oh and we'd have a bleedin' countdown clock on OUR web site.

"Houston, The Turkey Has Landed !"

We all remember Apollo 11 and those famous words uttered by Neil Armstrong when he placed his size nines onto the studio set floor, I mean the surface of the Moon back in 1969.

"That's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind"

Stirring stuff indeed and I've never had a problem with it. It seems people say he made a mistake and should've said "A Man" instead of just "Man" as otherwise it just makes no sense. Basically both halves of the sentence mean the same the way Neil said it.

What-evv-ahhhhh. He probably thought no one would remember it anyway !! My theory is that he felt the "A" was implied.

There.

Sorted.

But it got me thinking. Did he spend weeks and months thinking what to say ? I mean, despite what I just said, he had to have known that his words would go down in history forever. But what if those carefully planned words had been screwed up by some unexpected action or sight just as he climbed down the Lunar Module ladder.

So lets see what my blog readers can come up with as -

Things you didn't expect Neil Armstrong to have said when stepping onto the Moon.

And under the generally accepted Laws Of Blogging ( Law 25a, subsection 13 ), I get to go first and here are my 10 to get you going :

"Houston, I see a Russian flag !!! "

" Awww shit, Buzz has just jumped out the window and got down first."

"Fuck me Buzz, there's a bucket and spade down here."

" I CAN smell cheese."

" Damn it Houston, my pee bag just burst."

"Turn off those spotlights, guys, I can't see a thing."

"Collins, how did you get here ?"

"Ewwwwww it's true what they said about a fart in a spacesuit."

"That's one small step for man, one giant.....no wait........ aww shit I've fucked it up."

"Ahhhh Houston.........what-y-mean one way ?"

There Be Sick People Here.........................

Thanks to the invention of the V-box (a gizmo like a US TiVo) and downloading tv shows and movies from the internet, I manage to pretty much miss out on adverts. Even when watching live tv, I usually still zone them out by a process of Zen self hypnosis and humming popular Tibetan chants. Mind you, I've not quite mastered the art of coming out of this state in time to catch the restart of the show........but of course that's where the V-box again comes to my aid.

So having said that, it takes a lot for an advert to grab my attention, here is one that recently managed to do just that. It grabbed me even though I wasn't looking at the tv at the time and why ? Well because of the annoying little bastard making all the noise. It went right through me and I just HAD to see what was going on and why it was on my tv set.

I've seen it a few times since then and until yesterday I wasn't quite fed up with it. I felt like a couple more viewings and maybe it'd make the smooth transition to being a really annoying advert that pisses me off as the noise being made by the kid would finally overcome the joy of the guy putting him to sleep. But not yet.

Then yesterday afternoon I gave a friend of mine a lift to see her doctor. While she was in the office, I sat reading a magazine in the waiting room. In came a woman with her little boy who went straight for the box of toys in the corner. Within seconds, every toy was on the floor and he was in his element. Bless.

But things soon changed. He'd tried to put two huge lego type blocks together and they didn't fit. He wasn't going to give up and picked up a hard plastic hammer and started smacking the top block with all the force he could muster and suddenly I was in the nightmare world of Kwik-Fit. Except these blocks weren't fitting quickly or any other way.

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

Mommy dearest was really into HER magazine and seemingly oblivious to these blows. I looked at the receptionist for some sort of help. Her head was down and she might as well have been wearing headphones for all the use she was. If I'd had the Kwit-Fit number on speed dial I'd have been calling in the troops.

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

Inside my head a voice was screaming "why in Gods name would anyone put a hammer, albeit it a plastic one, into a toy box in a doctors waiting room ?" Holy crap, people are there because they are sick and not because they are waiting for a number 93 to Roundhay Park. Thankfully I wasn't in need of medical attention but that kid was in serious danger of needing that hammer surgically removed from deep within his preteen butt cheeks.

Thankfully my friend came out just before I could make a move and that kid will never know how close he came to becoming a tripod.

I'm keeping a supply of bubble wrap next to my chair because the next time that advert comes onto my tv, I'm going to throw SOMETHING and it better not be solid.

When Mr. Kwik-Fit puts that kid to sleep next time, it better be permanent.

In A World Where......................

These were the initial words most often used by the voice over artist Don LaFontaine to introduce us to the latest Hollywood Blockbuster as he was rightly regarded as 'The King.' He was so well used and respected that he could work from his home studio and have the voice over scripts faxed to him.

"What a life that must be" I said in a blog post exactly 2 years ago this month. Get up in the morning, have a coffee to wet your whistle, pick up the latest scripts from the fax machine and simply talk for a few minutes to earn several thousand dollars.

Nice work if you can get it. My accent has been commented upon in the US so maybe I should give voice over a try. The trouble is, they want the voice to be a good mix of the clarity that allows the audience to actually hear what's being said and the deep bass tones that almost shake you out of your seat. Maybe my surround sound subwoofer is set too high, but he sure rocked my world.

I say rocked, past tense, because sadly 'The Don' died today, aged 68.

There are other voice over artists out there and life for them and the industry they serve will go on. But for a man who had a voice that we heard on our tv and movie screens more that any other, I'm sure he would be pleased to know that for a few days at least, people might actually look for the face behind that voice.

In a world where.........your voice can help sell a movie, that world is eerily silent tonight.